Just to Find You
by 28andoccrazy
Summary: Ryan guessed that since Sandy couldn’t be here to make her feel safe, he was the next best thing. Rysten fic, full on, rated M for a reason! Final chapter is up....
1. Chapter 1

**I do understand that this is an unconventional pairing, but that's what makes fanfiction so much fun!**

**While constructive comments and reviews are welcome, comments intended to flame will only be deleted and ignored...**

**Rated M (for later chapters)**

**Enjoy!**

Part 1

Ryan sat alone, staring out the pool house window, drowning in his thoughts. He wanted so badly to calm his head, but there was always so much to think about. He wished sometimes that he could escape, just for a minute or two. Whether it was here or Chino, it didn't matter. There was always drama waiting around every corner. It was so tiring.

He glanced back at the main house, immediately captivated by a glimpse of Kirsten through the blinds. The past few months had been so hard on her, on all of them really. It had been almost six months since the accident, and still it seemed that Kirsten would never smile again.

He had been spending a lot of time sleeping on the couch lately, at Kirsten's request. She said she couldn't bear to sleep in that house alone. Ryan guessed that since Sandy couldn't be here to make her feel safe, he was the next best thing. Seth was spending most of his time with Summer these days. He just couldn't deal with the reality of being at home.

At night, Ryan lay awake, unable to find the sleep he so desperately craved. Sometimes when he did nod off, he would wake suddenly, covered in sweat, his heart racing. From the master suite he could hear her crying softly into her pillow. It was such a faint sound, but he knew it, as well as he knew the beating of his own heart. He wanted so badly to go to her, to hold her until she stopped crying. He wanted to tell her it would be okay, that everything would be better soon. But he really didn't know that. And he didn't know how Kirsten would react to such a personal intrusion. As far as that, he didn't know how **he** would react. He had always managed to keep a comfortable distance from her, for his own heart's sake.

Kirsten's anxiety seemed to be getting worse instead of better. She was still taking the medication the doctors gave her, and most of the time it dulled her emotions to the point that she was almost unrecognizable. She wasn't the Kirsten that Ryan remembered from a couple of years ago. Smiling, and fun, and full of surprises. Now she was so sad, so lost. He wondered if she would ever be the same again.

Kirsten had always meant something very special to him. Although he couldn't quite explain it with words, he really didn't have to when it came to her. From the very beginning, they had shared a connection that was more than skin deep. A look was worth volumes. When she smiled, when she laughed, it warmed him from the inside out. And then there were the special looks. The looks she reserved only for him. Like she was flirting with him, almost.

Ryan smiled when he thought about her staring at him from across the table, or the time they collided in the kitchen and he could almost literally see the fire that lit up between them. He knew that she was attracted to him, just a little bit. And he had always been to her, but he never dreamed of acting on it. He respected Sandy too much to dishonor him that way. When Sandy crossed his mind, his heart ached. It was still so hard to believe that he was gone. Sandy had saved his life when he brought him to Newport. He delivered him from an abusive home. He gave him the chance to have a future, a normal life. And he also brought him to the most wonderful person he had ever known. It broke Ryan's heart to know that she was hurting, just out of reach, on the other side of that wall.

* * *

Kirsten lay in bed, much longer than she needed to. She folded her arms behind her head, trying to find a reason to get up. It was really hard to do that these days. Her life had took such a nasty turn. Rebecca and Carter, all the fights with Sandy, then the drinking. She remembered how she had yelled at him that night, the horrible things she said. After that he had driven away, and that was the last time she ever spoke to him. She would never get the chance to make it right. She hadn't meant the venomous words she had spat at him; it was the vodka talking through her, like a demon possessing her every breath. Kirsten closed her eyes and tried to rid herself of the guilt. Sometimes she wanted to drink so badly. But she couldn't. She couldn't put Seth and Ryan through that again. She thought about the three months she spent away from them, and she knew that she never wanted that to happen again.

Seth had been so distant since Sandy's death. On top of that, he had to deal with her alcoholism. She felt guilty that she ever had to leave, especially at such a crucial time. She thought back on the conversation she had with Ryan the night before she checked herself in.

_Kirsten, you know you have to do this. This family will fall apart without you. If for no other reason, do it for me. I can't go through losing another family._

That night, even through the veil of alcohol, she noticed and was amazed by the eloquence he found when he spoke to her. Usually he was so soft-spoken, struggling to find just the right words. But with her, it was different. He opened up to her in a way that she loved, but was also terrified by at the same time. Her relationship with him had always been, well, different. Although technically he was in her care, she never really saw him as a son. She cared for him, of course, but it just wasn't the same way she cared for Seth. There was a depth to their connection. Something that was so much more than a parental obligation. He understood her; he knew what she was thinking without having to utter a sound. She had never had that with anyone else, ever. Not even Sandy.

"Oh, Sandy," she sighed, so quietly that she wasn't sure if she'd thought it or said it aloud. She knew she would always love him, for all of the wonderful things he brought to her life. He gave her a son, gave her twenty wonderful years. At least most of it was wonderful. Sandy also brought Ryan into their home, into her life. And for that she would be eternally grateful. It was Ryan who had been her strength through it all. Through her drunken haze, through the funeral. Through rehab, when she thought she would never see the light at the end of the tunnel. He came to visit her often. Sometimes Seth would come along, but most of the time, it was only Ryan. His visits were the fuel that got her through it all. She knew that when she finally got to come home, there would be someone waiting there, welcoming her back into her life. Only now she felt like she was wasting it, moping around, staying medicated to the point where she couldn't feel anything.

Kirsten finally got up, dragging to the bathroom and opening the medicine cabinet. She found the bottle of Paxil, studying it for a long time. _I don't need this anymore,_ she said to herself. She opened the bottle and turned to deposit its contents in the toilet, flushing them away. She was ready to reclaim her life again. She wanted to feel something, anything. She had grieved enough over things that couldn't be helped anymore. Sandy was gone, and nothing was going to change that. She couldn't take back the things she had said, she could only make the best with the rest of the pieces of her life. She needed to be a mother to Seth. She was all he had left, and she hadn't exactly been a role model for him lately. And Ryan, sweet Ryan. He had been through so much in his life. His own mother abandoned him, leaving him to adjust to this place. She knew it had been difficult for him. Even though it hurt her to think about his pain, he was here now. And she was so glad. She wanted to be there for him, in whatever way he needed. That realization stopped her in her tracks. _What exactly does that mean_, she asked herself. She turned around and leaned against the counter, when her attention was drawn to the doorway. Ryan was standing there, staring at her with those eyes, those beautiful eyes. She held her breath, afraid to speak for fear of what she might say.

"I came to see if you wanted some breakfast," he asked in that soft, morning voice. His eyes never left hers. _God she was beautiful in the morning, and in the afternoon, and the evening_...his thoughts trailed on incessantly.

The silence was killing her. _Say something, dammit,_ she cursed herself. "I dunno Ryan, I'm not really hungry, but some coffee would be great. I'll be out in a minute."

He nodded, turning away immediately, embarrassed that he had intruded on her. He made his way to the kitchen, and began making coffee. He scooped out the grounds, replaced the filter, each move deliberate and careful. Anything to take his mind off of her and the way she looked just now. He heard her enter the kitchen, but he didn't turn around, afraid his eyes would give him away.

He watched out of the corner of his eye as she struggled for a coffee mug. He had put them up too high when he had put the dishes away last night. He finished putting the coffee on and moved to help her, his valiance getting the best of him. He reached onto the top shelf, finding a mug for her and one for him. He hadn't realized how close she was to him, but it didn't take long. As his posture returned to normal, he could feel her hand on his back, as if she was steadying him. Her touch was like fire on his skin, and she immediately took her hand away. It was like she could see what he was thinking, even though no words were exchanged. "Thank you," she said softly, dropping her gaze to the floor. He moved away slowly, unwillingly, taking the mugs to fill them. She breezed past him and sat down at the table. They had barely spoken, at least not out loud. He walked over to her, handing her a steaming mug. He walked on, intending to go back to the pool house. But her words stopped him on a dime.

"Ryan, sit with me a while."

How could he say no? He smiled at her, and moved to join her at the table. He felt like there was something she wanted to say, but instead of asking he sat patiently, watching her sip her coffee.

After a pause, she began. "Ryan, I just want to tell you that I'm sorry for the way things have been the past few months. I know I haven't been the person I should've been. But things are going to be different now. I want to make it up to you, to Seth. I know things haven't been easy for either of you since Sandy–." She paused, and Ryan instinctively placed his hand on her arm. "Since Sandy died." Her voice was thick with emotion. "I'm doing my best to deal with all of this, and want to tell you how glad I am to have you here. I don't think I would've made it out of rehab without you. And I know Seth is having a hard time dealing with this. I just hope that it's not too late. He won't really talk to me these days, so could you please tell him that I love him and I'm sorry."

Ryan nodded, and his heart broke when he saw the tear fall from Kirsten's eye. Without a thought, he moved his hand from her arm to her face, wiping away her sadness. She sniffed, taking his hand with her own. Ryan suddenly couldn't breathe. He was amazed at what just a little contact with her could do to him. "Thank you so much for just being here. You know how to make me feel better without saying anything." She got up from her chair, moving toward him. She leaned down, and embraced him. Ryan was struggling to remember how to breathe. His heart was arrhythmic with the shock of her touch. He finally managed to put his arms around her after a few unsure moments. He let himself melt into her, breathing in the scent of her hair. Her chin rested easily on his shoulder as she continued to cling to him. His arms tightened around her, leaving no space between them. He fought the urge to kiss her. It would be so easy. But he didn't want to cross that line.

She pulled away after several minutes, placing a soft kiss on his cheek. "I don't know what I would do without you, Ryan."

He watched her as she walked out onto the patio, sunlight glinting beautifully off of her golden hair. He stayed perfectly still until he was sure he wasn't going to pass out. _She doesn't even know what she's doing to me._ He walked to the glass door and watched as she settled back into a patio chair, breathing deeply and closing her eyes. Then he caught the first hint of–could it really be?–a smile. His own lips curled up in response as he watched her, and his heart jumped with a feeling that he didn't even really understand. Probably never would. He felt sure that Kirsten Cohen was going to be the death of him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thx for reviewing...and an extra special thanks to Caroline for all her words of encouragement and the inspiration for this story's title! You're awesome!**

* * *

Part 2

The next few months passed like a midnight train. Kirsten began to return to the person she used to be. She found that she smiled more, laughed more. But there were still moments, reserved just for her, that she still cried. Since Sandy's death, the range of emotions she had experienced stretched anywhere from grief and sadness, to loneliness and guilt. She tried her best to make the most of each day that passed. Seth was still being so distant. Kirsten knew that he partly blamed her for what happened to his father. He had actually told her that, not in so many words, when he lashed out in his anger one night. _If you hadn't been drunk, then maybe you and Dad wouldn't have been fighting in the first place! _His words hurt so badly, because she felt that what he said was the truth. Kirsten felt like her drinking contributed a great deal to her and Sandy's problems, and she wasn't sure if she could ever forgive herself for that.

Ryan had told her that she couldn't keep blaming herself. _Bad things happen sometimes, just look at what happened to me. My family was so screwed up that I had to find a new one, _he had said to her, tilting his head and smiling that sheepish grin that always made her heart leap. It amazed her that no one else in her life had the ability to light up her day like Ryan did. Amazed and scared her all at the same time. She knew that there was something of substance between them. The looks he gave her were filled with too much hidden meaning to be considered innocent. But there was no way that anything could develop between them. It would never be accepted, and it would only do more damage to what was left of her fragile family. Seth would never forgive either of them. It was just out of the question.

Despite the facts, Kirsten could not seem to help it when she let her gaze linger a little too long, or when she simply stared at him, out of eye line, only to meet his eyes and realize that he was doing the same thing. It was disconcerting sometimes. It felt like he was really inside her head instead of across the room. There were no hidden thoughts when they were together. They could read each other like a favorite book.

Her thoughts turned again to Seth. It made her sad when she thought about the upcoming holidays. It was usually Seth's favorite time of year, but now he wouldn't even return her calls. She couldn't remember the last time they had a conversation that didn't turn into yelling. She wanted to fix things between them, but she honestly didn't know how. Ryan had served as their go-between many times, but that could only last for so long. Maybe she could try his cell again later. She knew that only time and a lot of good luck would patch things up between them.

Ryan came home to discover several large, taped up boxed scattered around the kitchen. He could hear rustling coming from the master suite, and he called for Kirsten.

"You in there?" he shouted.

"Ryan, I'm in the closet. Could you come and help me?"

_Anything for you._ He walked to the bedroom, and his heart sank a little. He saw Sandy's clothes and shoes littering every surface. His ties, his surf shorts, laying haphazardly about like his entire life had exploded inside this room. Ryan found Kirsten in the closet on her knees, digging through a drawer. He leaned on the door facing and she turned to him, giving him a faint smile.

"I'm packing up his things." As if this needed an explanation. "I guess this isn't really how you want to spend your Friday night, huh?"

Ryan smiled, "It's fine, really. I know this is something you've wanted to do for a while. Well, not really **wanted** to, but–" his words trailed away.

"Yeah, I haven't really been looking forward to it, but it's been nine months and I think it's time. I don't want to have to keep looking at this stuff everyday of my life. I'm just going to give it to charity. I don't know what else to do with it." She stood up, facing him, hands on hips. He watched her tentatively, unsure of exactly what he should be doing, so he reached and took a filled up box from the closet and moved it to the kitchen. He studied the boxes that were already there, saddened at the reality of what was happening. Sandy was out of their lives, almost completely now. Ryan leaned against the fridge, exhaling a deep breath. He returned to the bedroom, where he found Kirsten sitting in the floor, legs crossed Indian-style. In her lap was a box filled with pictures. He stood at the door, watching her unannounced for a minute or two. She leafed through them, stopping occasionally to study them, smiling and tracing her finger across them. Ryan, unable to bear the distance between them anymore, moved across the room and slowly sat down next to her. She moved closer to him, their shoulders touching. They looked at the pictures together, some of Sandy and her when they were younger, some of Seth, and surprisingly, some of Ryan. They were from the first Chrismukkah he had spent with them, the card they made with all of them together. Ryan watched as Kirsten traced her finger around each face, as if seeing them for the first time. She moved on to the others, pictures of virtually every event that had taken place through the years. Ryan smiled to himself when he thought about Kirsten, always buzzing around with her camera, wanting to capture every special moment in a still frame. She dug out another photo, one of her and Sandy at Berkeley. They were so young, Ryan almost didn't recognize them. But as he studied the picture closer, those familiar features shouted out at him. Her pronounced cheek bones, that button-like nose, those eyes. God, those eyes.

He was so consumed in his study of the photo, that he hadn't even realized that Kirsten was crying. His heart leapt, partly from the uncertainty of what to say, and partly from how much it hurt him to see her cry.

"Kirsten," he managed to say, placing his arm around her shoulder, and hugging her close. Nothing else needed to be said, he just sat there, rubbing his hand up and down her arm, and letting her have her moment. They were becoming less and less these days, but sometimes he knew that it was just too much. The memories were all around them, and it was impossible to forget. She turned to him, burying her head in the hollow of his shoulder. Instinctively, his arms were around her, cradling her as she sobbed gently into him. He stroked her hair, and without realizing it, kissed her on the top of her head. Being close to her came so easy to him, so natural. He froze after the reality of that hit him. They had never had very much contact besides a brief hug now and then. Now, here they were, sitting together in a full embrace. He couldn't make his thoughts make sense. Everything else felt a million miles away as he held her. After a few minutes, her sobs had quieted. But she continued to cling to him, and he wasn't complaining. He didn't want to ever let her go.

She lifted her head to look at him, wiping the remainder of her tears away. "I'm sorry you had to witness my meltdown. It's just so hard to look at those photos, and think that things will never be the same again."

Ryan smiled, "I know. It scares me to think that we'll never see him again." Ryan hung his head slightly, "I don't feel like I ever thanked Sandy for doing what he did. I don't know where my life would have taken me if he hadn't brought me here. This family saved me."

Kirsten tilted her head at him and smiled sweetly. His words were so genuine, so heartfelt. The average person would have no idea how deep of a soul Ryan was. He didn't open up to anyone else the way he did with her, and it made her heart soar. She knew the feelings she was having for him were getting uncomfortably out of hand. But she couldn't remember the last time she had felt so alive. When he was around, her pain was manageable. Knowing that he was there, it was just the thing to get her through each day.

They sat together for a while, not speaking, but just enjoying the company. Eventually, Kirsten got up and began putting away the photos. Ryan found an empty box and began to fill it with the rest of Sandy's thing that were laying about. His heart was heavy, and his moves deliberate and slow. They continued until everything was boxed up, out of sight. Kirsten brought the photo box into the closet. He watched her as she sighed one last time, and climbed the step ladder to put them away. Her footing seemed very unsteady, and Ryan walked over to stand in the doorway, feeling his services might be needed.

"Let me do that," he said to her, and she turned, losing her balance in the process. In one quick movement, Ryan caught her, but the impact forced them both to the floor. Ryan grunted after the fall, but immediately began to laugh. Kirsten, once she realized that they were both okay, soon followed. They lay together, Kirsten on top of him with her face buried in his chest. They were both shaking with laughter.

"I didn't hurt you, did I?" Kirsten asked.

"Are you kidding?" he responded, "you're light as a feather. I barely noticed you land on top of me." He had meant for that to be a light statement, funny even. But the look of shock that came across Kirsten's face let him know that it wasn't funny at all. But even though her expression changed and she realized where she was, she made no effort to remove herself from him. They were glued together, by an attraction that was sure to destroy them both.

"I'm sorry," Kirsten said, climbing off of him and situating her clothes again. She got up and held out her hand to assist him. He propped on his elbows and just smiled. "You realize that if I take your hand you're just going to be right back down here."

Kirsten furrowed her brows, not really understanding whether he meant because of the sheer physics of it, or if he wanted her back on the floor for another reason. He continued to smile as he picked himself up off the floor, standing close to her, almost reading directly into her thoughts. His close proximity rattled her composure and she felt the sudden urge to run away. Ryan could see the flight in her posture, and he couldn't decide whether he should grab her or just let her go. Her eyes met his again, understanding briefly what she was feeling. She had to get out of here.

"Ryan," she said, a little breathless. "Thank you for catching me. But I really need to get this stuff to the car." Ryan moved a step closer, almost pinning her to the shelves. "Why don't you let me take care of all of this. You shouldn't have to; you've already done enough." He swallowed hard as he fought the urge to kiss her mouth. His eyes traveled to her lips over and over, and his heart began to race.

Kirsten, suddenly realizing that she was trapped, stared at him with a helpless look. She wanted so badly for him to kiss her. She let her gaze travel to his lips, parted softly, waiting for her response. Her body ached at the prospect of having him so close to her. But she knew there was no way that anything could happen.

However, they soon realized they wouldn't get the chance, as the phone began to ring in the background. Kirsten sighed and rolled her eyes, thankful for the interruption and irritated by it at the same time. Ryan stepped aside as she left to answer it, another perfect moment broken. Ryan sank back against the shelves, unsure of how many more of these moments he could withstand.


	3. Chapter 3

Part 3

Ryan stood in front of the mirror, adjusting his tie once again. He checked his hair and wondered when he had become so obsessed with his appearance. Two years ago, he wouldn't have cared less if his tie was even on or not. But this place had changed him, in many ways. Things that were previously unimportant were suddenly at the top of his list.

He really didn't want to go to this party, but Kirsten had asked him to, so how could he resist? Another newpsie charity event. These things had become part of his everyday existence. He wondered who all would be there, and hoped to God that Marissa didn't show up. Even though they had broken up several months ago, he still knew how her craziness seemed to draw him in, like a moth to a flame. He didn't love her, that was for sure. She had meant something to him at one time, but her drama was just too tiring. Even though he was still in high school, the mundane drama of high school life didn't interest him. He had seen enough drama in his life to last forever. He craved stability, from every part of his life. His education, his relationships. And though he had tried so hard to find some normalcy with other girls, he just couldn't find what he was looking for.

He would do anything to find someone who loved him for him, and nothing else. He just wanted to find someone that he could be himself with, that he didn't have to change for. He had done enough changing, now he just wanted to find his place in the world.

Instinctively, his thoughts turned to Kirsten. She was his constant, his vantage point in a world that was otherwise out of control. He was so proud of her and the progress she had made over this last year. It was funny that, on the one year anniversary of Sandy's passing, instead of moping around and being depressed, she was going out. With him. He thought about all the intense encounters between them. There were definitely sparks, but he had tried so hard not to take advantage of her at a time when she was vulnerable. But her body language, the way she placed her hand on his arm when she spoke to him, the way she clung to him when she was upset, the way she tilted her head and smiled at him when asking for a favor, and he thought his legs would turn to Jell-o. It was so hard not to pull her close and kiss her. Her walk, her smile, her laugh–a hypnotizing sound that melted his soul. She didn't know what she was doing to him, or did she?

He turned to check himself in the mirror once more, put on his watch, and turned to leave. His thoughts were brought to a screeching halt when he saw her standing in the doorway. She was wearing a black dress, simple, sexy. It was low cut, and would bring on his demise he was sure. Ryan knew she was a beautiful woman, but that had never been more evident than it was right now. Her makeup, her hair, she was completely stunning. He hoped that he could breathe again pretty soon; it would be embarrassing to pass out in front of her. He stuffed his hands in his pockets nervously and managed to tweak out a weak smile. He didn't remember how to walk, couldn't remember how to speak. He had seen her dressed up a thousand times before, but something was different about the way she looked tonight. There was a quiet confidence, an aura of sweetness that softened her features. He watched as the moonlight settled on her hair and glinted in her eyes. He needed to say something to break the tension, but what could be said? She was beyond words.

"I'm ready when you are," Kirsten finally broke the silence. _Of all the things to say_, she cursed herself silently. "Let's go," she heard him say in response. He held out his arm, and she took it, entwining her arm with his.

"Kirsten, you look really beautiful," he said, as he walked her to the car. She held on to his hand, unable to let go. This night wasn't going to end up anywhere good, she was afraid. "Thanks, Ryan" she managed to respond, pulling her hand away. He closed the door once she was inside, and walked around the vehicle. When he thought he was out of sight, he closed his eyes and exhaled deeply, trying to calm his nerves. This night was getting out of hand, with the long stares, and hand holding. He was like a boy with a crush. Except he was no boy, and this was no crush.

* * *

The club was full of all the familiar faces of the community, the newpsies and their respective mates, and all of the important doctor-types from the hospital. The mood was light, the music pleasant. Kirsten left his side to go and greet her friends. If she could even call them that. None of them had shown much sympathy towards Kirsten for everything she had been through. Losing her husband, going through rehab, and some of them hadn't even given her a phone call. As much as he lamented it, he had to admit that Julie was really the only one from the community who had been there for her. Ryan spotted her across the room, and thought it would be a nice gesture to speak to her.

She saw him at the same time, and headed in his direction. "Ryan, hey sweetie, how are you?" she asked, hugging him lightly. "How's Kirsten?"

"She's fine," he responded. "We're all doing much better. Just takes time, you know."

"Well, she's just so lucky to have someone like you to look after her. She's so fragile right now." Like Julie had been living with her every day.

"She's made a lot of progress," he responded. "But Seth still isn't coming around much, and I know that's hard for her. He's still just so angry."

"Well, he'll come around. Knowing he has you to count on will make it easier to accept. Where is Kirsten, anyway?" Julie's thoughts were random and hard to follow sometimes.

"She's around here somewhere. She went to mingle I guess."

"Well, I'm going to see if I can find her, but you take care, kid. And if either of you need anything just let me know. Take care of her, Ryan."

He nodded his head in response, and watched her walk away, working the crowd with an air that only Julie could. She had never said that many nice things to him, not even when he and Marissa were together. He had to admire Julie for how much she had changed. When he first came here, she was such a miserable bitch. She had emerged from quite a transformation; she was almost likeable now.

He thought about what she had said to him. _Take care of her, Ryan. _He wanted to. He wanted to take care of her in any way that she needed caring for. He knew that was a pretty big statement, but a true one. He wanted to protect her, comfort her, love her. He was just so scared that these feelings were going to ruin what they already had. He knew that Seth would never speak to him again, along with the rest of the community. He didn't want to hurt her, but he didn't know how long he would be able to deny the way he felt about her.

The party drug on, and for the most part Ryan was bored out of his mind. Kirsten was making her rounds, talking and laughing. He was so glad to see her happy again. He couldn't have stood one more day of her sad. He sat at a table in a corner of the room, watching the people as they passed. Every now and then, the crowd would part, and he would catch a glimpse of her. Sometimes he would only watch her, but a few times her glance met up with his, and there was no denying the spark that illuminated the space between them. He watched as her chest heaved, her face animated from laughter. He wanted so badly to run, not walk, over to her and grab her and kiss her mouth. He could tell from the look in her eyes that she wanted that a little bit too.

His eyes remained glued on her, and he didn't care who saw it. Apparently neither did she, because she motioned for him to come to her. He sat up a little straighter, not sure if she had really beckoned him. She smiled at him, a little bit sweet and a little bit evil, and motioned for him again. He was out of his chair and through the crowd in no time.

"You look painfully bored," she said with that Kirsten head-tilt that sent his neurons into shock.

"Well, I was," he responded, staring down at her through half-closed eyes. "You're kind of the only person here that I really know."

"I know, I'm sorry for dragging you here. I just didn't really want to go by myself, and Seth didn't return my call. These things aren't his style anyway," she said, a hint of sadness lacing her words. Ryan decided that he needed to have a talk with Seth. How long did he plan on being angry with her anyway?

"Hey, where'd you go?" he heard her say, drawing his gaze back to hers. He didn't realize that he had spaced out so much. It just made him angry that Seth was being so selfish when Kirsten needed him the most.

"Sorry, I was just thinking," he said sheepishly. "I'll talk to Seth again, see if I can talk some sense into him. I don't understand why he's still so upset. Enough's enough."

"Ryan, I know, but everyone has to deal with pain in their own way. Seth's still got a lot of hostility toward me, and I just have to wait until he comes around again."

"But doesn't he understand that it wasn't your fault–" Ryan began, the anger building within him. "I'm sorry, we shouldn't be talking about this now. I'm sorry I brought it up."

"Well, actually I think I brought it up, but since you're taking the blame for it..." her words trailed off, a flirtatious smile dancing on her lips.

He smiled back, captivated by her beauty and mystery. A slow song began to play, and several couples surrounded them for a slow dance. Ryan looked at Kirsten, trying to read her. "Wanna dance?" he asked her with a grin.

"Well, Mr Atwood, I had no idea you were so cultured." She giggled softly as he took her hand, leading her to the middle of the floor. He didn't care who saw them or what they said. Tonight it was just the two of them. Her hands went around his neck, and he brought her closer, placing his hands gingerly on her waist, just above her hips. Her waist was so tiny, he could probably circle her completely with his hands. He stared at her, trying to be stealth. The curve of her hips just below where his hands rested, her flat abs, her beautiful heaving chest. He admired the neckline of her dress and how it teased him ever so slightly with the view of what was beneath.

"I'm up here," she said, biting her lip to stifle a grin. He immediately met her gaze, eyes wide, trying to hide his embarrassment.

"Sorry," he heard himself say, thinking how completely inadequate his response was. He tried not to blush, as he heard Kirsten giggle softly under her breath.

"It's okay, Ryan, I'm just having a little fun with you." she said, touching his hair softly with her fingertips. "You have nothing to apologize for. I don't mind your admiration. In fact, I kind of like it."

His look went from shocked to scared to a little more relaxed. How could one person make him feel so many different things in such little time?

Their eyes were locked, and suddenly it felt like she was a million miles away from him, even though they were separated by mere inches. He gripped her waist a little more firmly, bringing her closer to him. He could feel her curves through her dress as she rested against him. They danced together, enjoying the contact, a little too much maybe. Her forearms rested comfortably on his shoulders, but she moved them to embrace him more tightly. There was hardly any space between them now, and he prayed that his body wouldn't respond, turning this into an embarrassing situation.

"I'm glad you came with me, Ryan," she whispered, sending shivers down his spine. "Me too," was all he could think to say. Her chin rested on his shoulder, and his hands moved to the middle of her back. She was so close to him, he could feel her body heat mix with his own. It was a delicious sensation. They moved round and round together; the music was beautiful, the lights were soft. He never wanted this moment to end.

Kirsten breathed in and exhaled a sigh, loving the way his hand felt on her back. He was so warm, so comforting, yet there was something electric in the air. She could feel it building in her core, and radiate to every part of her body. Her stomach muscles clenched in response, and she moved against him ever so slightly. It didn't go unnoticed. His body tensed just for a second. She pulled back, and returned his gaze with a renewed fire. His breathing sped up, as did his heart rate. Her hands slipped down and grasped the lapels of his coat.

"You've become quite the skilled dancer," she said, her voice smoky and soft. Anything to divert the course of this disastrous dance.

He wanted to smile, but he was so mesmerized by her, he couldn't remember how. If he didn't get away soon, he was afraid of what he might do to her. His hands glided down her back, painfully slow, until they rested just above her hips again, his fingertips leaving trails of fire that permeated the black silk of her dress.

Her breath caught in her throat, and thankfully the song they were moving to came to an end. She needed to get away before this got out of control. He stepped away from her, unable to tear his eyes from hers. "I'm going to get something to drink," she said, averting her glance to the crowd. "I'll catch up with you later." She smiled at him over her shoulder, and he was left to catch his breath alone. His heart ached, because he wanted her so badly. And now he was pretty sure that she wanted him too.

The party was coming to an end, finally. He was so ready to get out of there. He checked his watch. It was almost ten thirty. He scanned the crowd to find Kirsten. He finally spotted her across the room, talking to a gentleman that had been buzzing around her for most of the night. She looked more than a little aggravated. Her gaze shifted around the room, when it caught his own. She gave him something between a smile and a grimace.

Ryan watched the man's body language, and decided that he was standing entirely too close to her. He kept putting his hand on her arm, and she shrugged away from him every time. Ryan could feel the silent simmer begin to churn within him. He walked across the room, a little closer, to analyze the situation better. He recognized the man, a friend of Caleb's, notorious for being loud and drunk. He could hear the things he was saying to Kirsten, and the simmer turned into a boil. _You've always meant a lot to me, Kirsten. And now that Sandy's gone, if there's anything you need, you know where to find me. _Kirsten's grimace turned to a face full of disgust at this man's behavior. _Let me get you a drink. _Kirsten refused his offer, of course, but the man wasn't taking the cues. Ryan couldn't take it anymore.

"Hey, she doesn't want anything to drink, okay. Just leave her alone." His chivalry finally got the best of him.

"Ryan, it's okay, let's just go," Kirsten said, trying to divert the disaster that was coming.

"I don't think I was talking to you," the man said to Ryan, spitting and slurring as he spoke. Ryan knew he should just leave it alone, but when the man took him by the collar, all self control was lost. He balled his fist and punched the man, sending him reeling. The drunk returned the punch with one of his own, cutting Ryan across the temple. A couple of guys grabbed the man, restraining him from causing any more damage.

Kirsten ran to Ryan as the chaos surrounded them. "Get out of here, Ryan, before someone calls the cops. Go home and I'll be there in a minute."

"I'll take a taxi," he told her, handing her the car keys. He made his way out of a back exit, and walked down the street, hailing a cab. He could already hear the sirens in the distance. He wasn't too worried; the man that he punched would be too drunk to remember anyway. On the ride home, Ryan touched his sore temple and found the blood trail that was waiting there. His heart was pounding, adrenaline pumping. He knew he had screwed up, but he couldn't just stand there and let that bastard talk to her that way. He was glad he had done it, and would do it again.

* * *

He arrived back home in a short time. He went straight to the pool house, and shed his jacket. He lay across his bed, forgetting all about the cut on his head. He was so afraid that Kirsten would be upset with him. He had worked so hard to put his violent behavior behind him, but every now and then, he just couldn't stop himself. That man had his hands on her, and that was something that he simply could not stomach. He closed his eyes, hoping that she wouldn't be angry with him. He listened carefully, hearing her car pull in to the driveway. His heart thumped, for no apparent reason. He lay still, waiting for her to appear. His hand throbbed from where it had connected with someone's face. He sat up on the bed, cradling his head in his hands. He didn't even hear her when she entered.

"I brought some first aid," she said, matter-of-factly. "I thought you might need it."

Ryan dropped his gaze and turned away from her. He was ashamed that he had let his feelings for her contribute to a public brawl. "I'm sorry about what happened back there" he said resolutely. "I just heard the things he was saying to you, and I could tell that you were uncomfortable. I know I've tried to put that part of my past behind me, but when he put his hands on you, I–" his words trailed away.

Kirsten smiled, admiring his honesty. "I know. You don't have to apologize. He was being inappropriate, but I could have handled it. He was drunk and probably didn't even know what he was saying." She sat down on the bed next to him, turning his face to the light. She took out a swab and began cleaning his cut, the alcohol making him wince. "Sorry," she said, "but you don't want this getting infected." She was so close that he could feel her breath caress his skin. He was immediately mesmerized, watching her as she nursed his wound. The concentration on her face made him smile for some reason. She was such a beautiful creature. So caring, and soft, and lovely. He wanted to tell her, he wanted to take her hands and kiss them before moving to other parts of her body.

Kirsten finished doctoring him, and suddenly realized how close she was to him. Her hand still rested on his shoulder. Her eyes stared into his, and for a minute or two neither of them moved. Her eyes darted across his features, to his slightly parted lips. Her breathing became more shallow as she tried to keep her control in check.

"I just want you to know that I am different now," she heard him say. "What I did tonight, that's not who I am anymore."

"I know, Ryan." She brought her hand away from his shoulder to place it in her lap again, only to feel her body tense as he took her hand and held it.

"When that guy was bothering you, I couldn't stop myself from hitting him. I just don't think anyone should touch you like that, unless you want them to." His words made her inhibitions melt just a little more. She wanted Ryan to touch her so badly. It had been so long since she had felt loved; she craved it with every ounce of her being. She literally had to hold herself away from him, afraid that one glance or one graze of his hand would send her over the edge.

He grasped her hand a little bit tighter, causing her heart to race. She tried to stay calm. "Thank you for looking out for me, Ryan. I really appreciate it. I just don't want you to feel like you have to."

"I want to," he replied, his voice soft and serious. "I don't want anyone to ever make you feel like that again. You deserve to find someone who would take you out on a night like tonight, and treat you like the only one in the room, even if there were a thousand people around you. You should never be mistreated, and as long as I'm around, you never will be."

The emotion in his voice was enough to send her over. "Ryan," she said softly as she leaned in to embrace him. She had never felt as safe as she did at that moment, and it was because she knew he meant what he had said. "I'm so glad you're here," she whispered, breathing gently against his skin. He brought his arms around her, pulling her closer. She was practically in his lap, but neither one cared. All that mattered was this embrace, this moment. She needed so desperately to have a connection with someone she could trust. There had been so much disappointment in her life. It was nice to find some stability.

They continued to cling together, until the quiet comfort began to change to something a little more charged. His hand drifted lower and lower, until it rested in the small hollow of her back. She was pressed against him, and he could feel her breathing go from slow and easy to quick and short. She backed away, rather reluctantly, and as she did, her lips accidently (or not!) grazed along his jaw line. Neither were prepared for the arc of electricity as it hit them both simultaneously. She intended to pull away, but was stopped by Ryan's hand on the back of her neck. Her eyes were wide with fear. It had never gone this far before. Even though she had wanted him, they had always managed to stay in control. She knew she should just get up and walk away, but his eyes would not release her. It was hopeless to try and fight it anymore.

"Ryan," she whispered, closing her eyes and wondering when she would wake up. This had to be a dream. This couldn't be happening in real life. Or could it?

She opened her eyes to find his still upon her, fixed on her open mouth. He couldn't hold back anymore. He brought his lips almost to her, just beyond contact. He smiled when he heard the groan of impatience escape from her. His breath was warm and sweet against her face, and his words sent fire and ice down her spine.

"Can I kiss you, Kirsten?" His eyes were almost closed, his chest heaving. She barely had time to respond with a nod before she felt his lips close in on hers. The kiss was slow, a delicious testing of boundaries for them both. His tongue gently circled her lips, as if asking for permission to come inside. It surprised them both when Kirsten leaned forcefully into the kiss, sending his tongue plunging between her soft lips. She moaned in response to the contact, sliding her hands around his neck and settling even closer to him. His hands slid adventurously lower to grasp her hips and beyond, seating her comfortably on his lap. She broke from the kiss to tug at her dress, which was irritatingly tight around her thighs. He put his hands over hers to stop her, and she looked at him with a smirk. He moved his hands just under the hem of the dress, sliding it slowly up until her legs were completely exposed. He caught a hint of the black satin underwear she was wearing, and his heart began to do funny things. He leaned back onto the bed, taking her with him. Her body felt like heaven as she blanketed him, her hair falling all around them as she continued to kiss him. He was pleased to see how eager she was to participate, and he was dying to see more of her. But he wanted to move at her pace, not wanting to cross an unseen line. He broke from the kiss to take her in, and he loved the way her dress drooped slightly, giving him a preview of what was underneath. She met his gaze, realizing what he wanted. She smiled and sat up, putting more pressure on an already sensitive area. It was becoming unbearable.

"Is there something else you want to see, Ryan," she asked him softly, slipping one strap of her dress from her shoulder. He closed his eyes, just for a second, and tried to steady his breathing. She was so beautiful, yet so evil for teasing him this way. He let his hands slide from her hips, up her sides, over her shoulders, where he grasped her and pulled her down for another kiss. He reveled in the taste of her mouth, the warmth of her body. He had thought about her this way a thousand times, but it was so much better than he could have ever imagined. He was so lost in her that he didn't immediately hear the phone ringing in the distance.

"Ryan," he heard her say through the haze of pleasure that surrounded him. "Ryan, you're phone is ringing."

He growled a few inaudible words, and Kirsten rolled off of him, rather unwillingly. He retrieved his phone from the table and saw that it was Seth calling. He informed her, and smiled a little when she said "Don't tell him I'm in here." As if he would have anyway. Even though Kirsten was a woman, it struck him at how innocent she was sometimes.

He answered the phone and spoke to Seth for a minute. Ryan watched with disappointment as Kirsten situated her clothes again. After the conversation was over, Ryan couldn't mistake the look of sadness on her face. Seth didn't ask to speak to her, and he knew that hurt her.

Kirsten carried her hurt, and turned to Ryan with apologetic eyes. "Ryan, I think maybe we should take that phone call as a sign. Things between us can't get, complicated. There's too much at stake. I think we should just forget that this ever happened."

Ryan could only stare at her, not believing the words that he heard. A few minutes ago she was all over him, seductive and willing. And just a simple interruption was enough to change her mind?

Kirsten got up and headed for the door. "I think I should go back inside now. I'm sorry, Ryan. I really am."

With that, she walked away. Ryan was unable to muster a response, so he just sat there, staring at the closed door. He closed his eyes and breathed out hard, so frustrated and hurt at the same time. He wanted to go to her, but she had been pretty clear. Nothing else could happen between them. But she didn't really say she didn't want it to, now did she?

Ryan removed his binding clothes and turned out the light. He settled back on the bed, in only boxers, arms folded behind his head. He tried to figure out how he was going to be able to carry on without her. Now that he knew how good she felt, how would he ever be able to pass her in the hall or stand next to her in the kitchen? He hoped that the chemistry they had before wouldn't be ruined because of what just happened. Their bond was amazing, and he still wanted to be close to her, even if he couldn't have her the way he wanted to. He prayed for an absolution, for anything that would calm his spinning head. He tried to find sleep, but he knew it wouldn't come, not for a while anyway.


	4. Chapter 4

**Well, this chapter is short, and kind of a tease, but just hang in there! I'm so excited to see you guys responding to this story is such a positive way...keep the reviews coming!**

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Part 4

Kirsten reached the bedroom, closing the door behind her. She leaned against it, trying to rid the images that were blazing inside her head. Dammit, she didn't want to leave him. She wanted so badly to turn and run back to the pool house and tell him how sorry she was. She had been so upset by Seth's phone call, or more precisely, the lack of a conversation. It brought everything into a different perspective. This thing with her and Ryan was insane. Seth would never understand, he already blamed her for so much. She didn't want to damage their relationship beyond repair. But the way she felt, she knew it wasn't just a "thing" she had for Ryan. The tension had been there for a long time, she had just done her best to ignore it. But after the events of the night, it couldn't be ignored anymore.

Kirsten decided to take a shower. Maybe that would calm her mind and help her rest, she thought. She turned on the stream and stepped into it, enjoying the warm water as it coursed over her form. She tried to think of anything else but him. But as she ran her fingers through her hair, she closed her eyes and remembered every place he had touched. She thought of his adoring stare, and she couldn't mistake the tension that began to build in her core. There was something so hypnotic about his eyes upon her. Not only did he look at her on the outside, but he could see straight into her soul as well. No one had ever had that effect on her.

She finished her shower, changed into a night gown, and turned out the light. She thought if she could just go to sleep that maybe things would make more sense in the morning. She stared at the ceiling for what seemed like hours. She closed her eyes, only to see Ryan, to feel him. Eventually, she was able to rest for a little while, but she awoke a couple of hours later to find her heart beating out of control. She couldn't remember what she had dreamed to make her feel that way, but she had a pretty good idea.

Kirsten sat up in bed and threw back the covers. It was pointless to try and sleep when she felt like this. She walked to the kitchen; maybe something to drink would help her relax. She could remember a time, not too long ago, that she relied on something much stronger than juice to help her get through the days and nights. And although she was still plagued sometimes with the desire to drink, she was glad to have those days behind her. She pulled a carton from the fridge and drank straight from it, knowing there was no one there to see it or care. She turned around, leaning against the cool steel only to be startled by a figure in the doorway. Her eyes adjusted quickly and she realized it was Ryan. She stood frozen still as she watched him open the door to the kitchen. He was shirtless, wearing only sleep pants, his usual nighttime attire. The butterflies began to stir inside her, afraid of what he would say to her. She assumed he was upset about her change of heart earlier. She hadn't wanted to leave him, that's for sure, but it felt like the only sensible thing to do. But sensible was very overrated sometimes.

Ryan entered the kitchen and closed the door quietly behind him. He thought he was alone in the room. He made his way to the fridge, on the same mission as she had been, when he stopped short, startled by her presence there.

"Kirsten, I'm sorry," he replied in a hushed voice, "I hope I didn't wake you."

"I was here first," she said with a smile he could barely make out.

He smiled back, ducking his head away, unable to be upset at her anymore. He understood why she was so hesitant. It had to be that way.

"Couldn't sleep?" she inquired. He shook his head in response.

"Me either." They watched each other carefully, each waiting for the other to respond in some way. Her eyes were beautiful, even in the dark, and he could make out her features perfectly, even in the obscurity of night.

She stared back at him, noticing his tousled hair, still damp from a recent shower, she assumed. _We could've saved time if we'd showered together, _she thought, immediately admonishing herself. She admired his chiseled features; his toned arms, chest, and abs were sending her senses into a frenzy. She tried to admire without gawking, but his words shook her.

"I'm up here," he said with a grin. It was all he had to say, and she immediately had to restrain herself from throwing him to the floor.

"Ryan," she said moving oh so close. "I want to say that I'm sorry for what happened earlier. I know I gave you one impression and then did exactly the opposite. I didn't mean for it to end up that way."

He paused, making sure that she had said all she needed to. "You mean you're sorry for kissing me or sorry you left me alone?" His question enveloped her, and she grinned back at him sweetly. "I'm sorry for making you think I was going to–." Her hesitation made his heart soar. "Well, you know. And besides, I could never be sorry for kissing you."

His eyes widened, taking her statement as permission to move a little closer to her. He was inches away, but it felt like miles. When she didn't protest or back away, he moved to her once again, his body making contact with hers. She brought her hands to his biceps, reveling in the way his bare skin felt under her fingertips. Her back was against the edge of the counter top, and he pressed himself firmly to her, placing his hands gently around her waist.

She couldn't find the words she was looking for, so she just focused on trying not to melt on to the floor. She was pinned to the counter, his body melded with hers. Their faces were almost touching, and she couldn't find the will to protest when he leaned in to kiss her mouth. He started slowly, teasing her lips apart with his tongue. She let him in, and explored a little with her own. His grip on her waist tightened when he felt her tongue slide against his. Her hands moved from his arms, and she ran her fingers through his hair as their kiss deepened. But just as soon as it had begun, he pulled away, smiling when he saw how hard she was breathing.

"Kirsten," he whispered to her. "I don't think you realize how long I've wanted to touch you like this. So many times I wanted to kiss you, but I was afraid you didn't want me to."

"I've wanted you for a long time, Ryan, it's just that things are so complicated." She was fighting for the last shred of conscience, but it was nowhere to be found.

"I know," Ryan said to her. "And I understand why you walked away from me earlier. But now that we know what this is like, we have to make a decision. You have to make a decision."

He kissed her softly once again, and let his hands travel from her waist to her back, gliding his hands upward until they reached her shoulders. He took the straps of her night gown in his hands, and for a moment she was afraid (excited) he was going to rip it off of her.

Instead, he released his grip and ran his thumbs down, grazing her nipples through the soft satin. His gaze never left her face, and his jaw clenched when he saw her eyes close in response. Her lips parted, letting out a soft moan. "I'm going back to the pool house now," he said, letting his hands caress her stomach. "I'll wait for ten minutes, and if you don't come to me, I'll know your answer."

He pulled his hands away, and walked out of the room, leaving her wanting so much more. She sighed rather loudly, and turned to face the counter. She placed her hands flat on the cool granite surface. She knew very well what her decision would be; she had known from the moment he walked into the room. She just needed a few minutes to prepare herself for just exactly what that meant.


	5. Chapter 5

Thx for sticking with me, guys...hope you enjoy :)

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Part 5

Ryan walked back to his bed and lay down, staring at the ceiling. His mouth was dry and his hands were shaking. What if she didn't come? He didn't know what he would do. He wanted her so badly, but most of all, he wanted to know that she wanted him too.

Meanwhile, Kirsten was still in the kitchen, relying on the counter for support. Her heart was hammering so loud that she couldn't have heard any other sound. Her mouth was dry; she was so nervous. _I don't want to make the wrong choice. If I go to him, everything will change. But if I don't..._

She took one last deep breath, knowing what she really wanted inside. They had survived through two years of unspeakable tension and stares. There had always been a fire between them, even from the very first day he came to Newport. But things were different now. She didn't have a husband to consider, and since he was eighteen how, there were no entanglements of that nature to get in the way. She felt safe with him, and not to mention the fact that she wanted him so damn badly right now.

* * *

Ryan lay quietly, beginning to feel the disappointment creeping up in him. He heard no sound coming from the house, and could only assume that she had returned to bed. He wanted to go to her, but he had made his conditions clear. She had to decide to come to him, and if she didn't, he would just have to accept what that meant for them.

He turned over to his side, crushed beyond belief. He knew there was always a chance that his plan wouldn't work, but he felt sure that she would come to him. He sighed out, but the breath caught in his throat when he heard a noise. It sounded like a door closing. He propped up on one elbow, squinting in the dark to see if there was any movement. The blinds were almost fully drawn, and only little slivers of moonlight illuminated the room. Should he go to the door? He was afraid to move. He saw a shadow approach his door, and he swallowed hard. His heart was racing so fast, he thought his body might go into shock. He stayed perfectly still, and watched as the doorknob turned ever so slightly. He was paralyzed, afraid that one movement would awake him from this dream. In a moment, she appeared. He had never seen anything so beautiful in all of his life. The soft light of the moon kissed the silken strands of hair the framed her angelic face. She was, however, somewhat of an angel to him. She had saved him from so many things. From a broken family, from his own rage, and now, from a life of loneliness.

He couldn't see her expression; she only stood in the doorway, almost as if she were afraid to enter.

"Kirsten," he called out to her, beckoning her.

She watched him as he sat still, staring back at her. His eyes were intense and searching. The light coming through the window bathed his bare chest, and she finally found the courage to go to him. She sat down on the bed with him, as he continued to gaze at her with eyes wide. She thought it was almost as if he didn't believe she was real. She placed her hand softly on his forearm, sending the charge from her body to his. He brought one hand to her face, stroking her cheek.

"I didn't think you were coming," he said, his voice soft with emotion. "I mean, I hoped you would, but I didn't really think–"

She smiled at his kindness and humility, placing her hand over his. "Ryan, for two years now we've wondered what this would be like. I don't want to wonder anymore."

He moved closer to her, inches from her. "Are you sure this is what you want?" he asked, still not fully believing he was awake.

Kirsten giggled softly, "I wouldn't have came here otherwise."

He put his arms around her, holding her close, letting himself accept that this was no dream. "I know this year has been tough, and things have been so out of control since I came here. But there is one thing I'm sure of. Ever since the first day I was here, I knew that I would love you someday. It's always been you, Kirsten."

She could feel her desire for him ignite all over again. She turned toward him in their embrace and let her lips graze lightly on his earlobe. He exhaled sharply, carrying a little groan with it. She took the lobe between her teeth, humming softly in his ear. He took her by the arms and pulled her back, unable to bear anymore of her teasing. She looked at him wide-eyed and breathless. Her eyes became fixed on his open mouth, and he knew exactly what she wanted. He held her face with both hands, and brought his lips to her, just beyond touching. With his tongue, he made a circle, moistening her lips and causing her to pant. He smiled and moved his lips to her neck, claiming a very sensitive spot and kissing it gently.

She moaned, almost inaudibly. His lips were soft and warm against her skin, and she could feel it prick up with goose bumps. She entwined her fingers in his hair, pulling herself up closer to him. Her body craved him, and she could feel his body responding to her through his sleep pants. She shivered as his caresses moved down her neck and shoulders, across her collarbone to the other side. His hands slid down her arms, and her back. She could feel his warm touch radiate through her satin gown, as he grasped her hips and held her tight on his lap, pressing her onto the hardness that had developed there. Her breathing was increasing, as her patience was decreasing.

He looked up at her and smiled when he saw her reach for the hem of her night gown, pulling it up higher on her legs. He tilted his head, as if silently asking for permission to touch her. She nodded and took his hands, placing them on the tops of her thighs. Her skin was smooth and warm against his, and he let his hands travel up her legs the rest of the way. He slid them under her gown, over her hips, taking the satin material with him as he went. He reached the small of her back, and he reveled in how much better it was to touch her without clothing in the way. He noticed how her nipples became very noticeable from behind their shy covering. He continued to bring his hands up her back, until her gown was gathered around her waist. He stared down, her stomach now exposed, and he had to stop and swallow hard. She was so fit and toned, and those flat abs were doing things to him he didn't even understand. She smiled, guiding his mouth to her own, and he took the opportunity to lift the gown over her head, and tossed it to the floor. It suddenly became hard for him to breathe. He stared at her bare body, admiring the incredible beauty he saw there. Her breasts, perfect mounds of flesh, her stomach, a flat plane that melded into the aesthetic curve of her hips. But nothing could top the beauty of her face. Eyes that let him see right to the core of her, hair like the breath of angels, skin the color of honey. He had never known that being in love would feel like this. It consumed every part of him, and there was nothing in the world that could compare to this.

His hands fell on her shoulders, sliding them down her sides, grazing her breasts ever so slightly. She hummed a quiet response, urging him to explore more of her. He held her around her waist for a moment, then moved his hands across her stomach. He watched her as his hands moved to caress her breasts. She cried out a little and said his name, which made him smile. He couldn't resist placing kisses where his hands were, and felt her squirm against him. He breathed soft laughter against the taut skin his lips had found.

"You're so damn evil," she whispered breathlessly. He used his tongue to tease her even more, and he listened as she growled her love sounds to him. He literally thought he would explode from the anticipation, but he didn't want to miss a thing. He savored every breath, every moan, every inch of her. If he could drink her, he would have. He was completely enveloped in his adoration of her.

He wanted to explore even further, so he placed a hand behind her neck and one on her back. He laid her down gently on the bed, hovering over her, kissing her mouth. He dragged his lips along her jaw line, and back over the places he had already been. He kissed her stomach, watching as she parted her legs instinctively. He settled between them, tracing her perfect muscles with his tongue. She couldn't lie still beneath him, and it made him laugh. She was laughing too.

"Are we a bit ticklish?" he nudged playfully.

"Mm hm," was all she could muster, too weak from arousal to say anything.

His onslaught continued; he used his tongue to trace around her navel, then to the rise of her hipbones, and then to the valleys between. His hands slipped the across the satin material of her underwear. He frowned.

"Looks like I forgot something," he teased. He grinned as she lifted her hips off the bed to allow him to slip them down her legs, and discard them to the floor, where they belonged. He kissed her thighs, and moved to tease one of the few places on her body that he had not. He started slowly, making sure that he wasn't crossing a line.

Kirsten arched back and pushed herself to him. She bit her lip and tried not to scream as he teased and touched her in ways that she hadn't experienced in years. She wasn't sure how much more of this she could stand.

"Ryan," she moaned softly, beckoning him back to her. He climbed back atop her, moving his kisses to her neck again, tangling his fingers in her hair. She felt that he was still partially dressed, and decided that just couldn't be. She pushed him up, and caught his gaze.

"You don't really need these anymore," she said, tugging at the waistband of his pants. He grinned, suddenly shy, but she didn't waste any time. Before he could speak, her hands were inside the pants, and she found what she was looking for. He growled and groaned as her softness found his hardness. She was impressed, to say the least, by what she discovered. Kirsten played and caressed unmercifully, until he was forced to take her hands away. She giggled as he tried to get his breathing back to normal.

"I'm sorry," she said, pulling him to her once again. "I just thought it was my turn."

He tore the pants away, and piled them with the other articles on the floor. He kissed her mouth harder this time, feeling the last bit of self control slip like a rug pulled from beneath him. She kissed him back, forcing her tongue into his as they both fought for control. He pressed himself to her fully, and looked into her eyes, asking for permission once again. His heart leapt as she nodded, and Ryan settled himself between her legs, teasing her. She frowned and smiled at the same time, mumbling things he couldn't quite make out. He closed his eyes, and with one fluid motion, he was inside her. The sensation was unlike anything he had ever known. She cried out, and Ryan stopped, unsure if it was pleasure or pain that caused her to.

She smiled, "Just go slow. It's been a while." He remained perfectly still within her, and kissed her deeply. She returned the kiss, and soon they found their rhythm. It was a beautiful dance, two years in the making, and all of the frustrations of those years were finding their way out. Ryan's moans mixed with Kirsten's sighs, making the loveliest music his ears had ever heard.

"Ryan, I love you," he heard her say, touching him to the core. "I've loved you for so long." She was panting so hard, she almost couldn't speak.

"I love you, too," he whispered back. And it warmed him to know that for the first time in his life, he was able to say that and mean it. He had never had anyone that he really loved before, and the reality of it was exhilarating and scary all at the same time.

The tempo of their lovemaking increased, the moans became louder. Kirsten dug her fingernails into Ryan's shoulders, and her legs became tighter around his waist. He snaked his fingers through her hair and pulled her head back firmly into the pillow. This dance was almost over and he knew it, for Kirsten cries were becoming more and more desperate. He kissed her mouth, swallowing them up. He thrust deeper and faster, until he heard Kirsten scream his name. The muscles deepest within her pulsed around him, and soon he followed suit. He saw stars and tried not to hurt her through his release. This moment had been two years in the making, and it was so delicious.

After the intensity had faded, Ryan couldn't make himself move from off of her. She was so soft and beautiful; he wished he could stay here forever. But she began to squirm a little, and he raised up and off, rolling beside her on the bed. "Sorry if I hurt you," he said, kissing her temple.

She heaved a heavy breath, "Oh, I'm not sure 'hurt' is a word I would use to describe that."

He rolled onto his back, and she turned over to face him, draping her arm across his chest. "I meant what I said earlier, when I told you that I loved you," Ryan said to her.

"Me too." He couldn't erase the smile that crept on his face. Quiet contentment floated around them like a mist, and it didn't take long for her to fall asleep. But Ryan lay awake, watching her, unable to believe how lucky he was to have her in his arms. He watched her eyelids flutter gently as sleep overcame her. This was as good as it gets, it had to be. He just hoped that things would still be the same in the morning light.


	6. Chapter 6

Part 6

Ryan awoke to the sun blazing in his window. He pulled the covers over his head, trying to sneak more time for sleeping. It was then that he realized he was alone. He raised up to see the covers on Kirsten's side of the bed thrown back. He wondered how she got away without waking him.

He rose from bed, rubbing his eyes. After he brushed his teeth and ran his fingers through his mussed hair, he found his sleep pants and a wife beater, dressing himself and heading to the main house.

He entered the empty kitchen but smelled the brewed coffee. She was up and stirring, he knew. He retrieved a mug and headed to the coffee pot, pouring a steaming cup full. He hadn't even heard her enter the kitchen, and it startled him when he felt her arms go around his waist.

"Morning," she said, kissing his shoulder.

"Morning," he said, mirroring her response, turning to her and wrapping his arms around her waist. "I was worried when I woke up alone. I thought–"

"I know," she said, smiling. "I just thought it might not be a good idea to stay, in case Seth were to drop in. Might not look good for him to find me in your bed."

"Oh yeah," Ryan interjected, "Seth's supposed to be here—"

"Anybody home?" Seth called from the front entrance, stopping Ryan in his tracks. Kirsten turned away sharply and busied herself with something on the counter.

"In here sweetie," she called to her son. "What a nice surprise." She went to him, hugging him firmly.

"Well, I'm only here to grab some more of my stuff, and then I'll be on my way again. What's going on, brother?" Seth said to Ryan, grabbing his arm firmly. Seth and Ryan had not been on such great terms the past year or so, but Seth seemed to be in an extremely good mood this morning.

"Same old, same old, you know. How've you been?" Ryan inquired.

"Just school and hanging out, you know. But apparently I'm not doing as well as you, bro. Those are some nice claw marks you're sporting there," Seth said, gesturing toward Ryan's shoulder. Kirsten couldn't stop her head from swiveling violently. Her eyes were wide with alarm, and she and Ryan exchanged an uneasy glance.

"I don't know where those came from, must've scraped my arm on something," Ryan responded, trying to hide the panic that overtook him.

"Yeah, okay, I get it. You don't want to talk about it, that's cool," Seth said through a huge smile. "But tell me, is it Marissa? Or maybe that new transfer student I saw following you around?" At this point, Seth was rubbing his hands together at the prospect of hearing some gossip.

Ryan was extremely uncomfortable with this line of questioning, but tried not to look it. "It's nothing, really man, I mean it."

"Alright," Seth almost screeched. "You'll tell me when you're ready. It's cool," he said, slapping Ryan on the back as he walked to the stairs leading to his room. _Shit, Seth, you have no idea..._

Kirsten stared at the stairs, and then to Ryan. "That was close." She smiled, but not the way she did ten minutes ago.

"I know," Ryan said, walking over to her. "That's what he called to tell me last night, that he was going to come over here this morning. But with everything," he said, looking to the floor, "I just forgot."

Kirsten put her arms around his neck and placed a sweet kiss on his lips. "Well, there was a lot going on to distract you," she said with that look in her eyes that made his knees feel like they would surely fail him._ Was there ever..._his thoughts drifted a few hours back. The only thing better than last night was the chance to do it again. And it wasn't just about the sex. It was about her, everything about her. He had never felt as close to anyone as he felt with her. And it didn't matter what they were doing. Sharing a meal, going to an event together, just sitting at home watching TV. Every little moment they spent together meant the world to him, but it was never enough. He found himself wanting more.

Kirsten pulled back sharply as she heard Seth making his way back downstairs. "Seth, why don't you stay and have breakfast?" she asked nervously. They had been so distant; she almost didn't know how to talk to him anymore.

"Can't, mom, I'm meeting Summer at the diner. Ryan, you want to come along?" Ryan was surprised at his invitation. They hadn't exactly been pals lately. But the prospect of tagging along with those two was not near as appealing as staying home with Kirsten.

"I think I'll pass," Ryan said, glancing at Kirsten and then to Seth. "You guys go on."

"Alright, but do me a favor. Tell your mystery lady to take it easy next time," Seth said, walking from the kitchen. "Or at least get her to trim her fingernails."

Ryan waited until he heard the door close, and couldn't stifle the laughter that ensued, causing Kirsten to follow suit. "That was embarrassing," she said between giggles. "That's the last thing we need is for him to find out about us."

Although he managed a smile, her words stung just a little. If this was real, would it really matter who knew? He decided not to pursue that train of thought, but instead, take advantage of the time they had right now.

He moved across the space between them, grabbing her waist and pulling her close. "I want you to know how much last night meant to me," he whispered, adorning her bare neck with kisses. "And not just because we–well, you know." His inability to speak it made her smile. He renewed his sentence, "It meant a lot because you came to me. You could have just as easily went back to your room, but you didn't. You chose me, and not many people in my life have ever done that."

Kirsten could feel her heart melt just a little bit more. The softness and sincerity of his words surrounded her. She had never felt more adored and loved in her entire life. And to think that the object of her affection had been right in front of her for two years, his heart screaming at her. She just couldn't hear it until now.

"Oh, Ryan," she sighed, embracing him, zoning straight in on his thoughts. "I don't know how I ever made it without you. We just have to be careful right now. Things are still very new and still complicated. Seth's going to need time to accept this, if ever. I don't want to hurt him anymore than I already have."

Ryan wanted to respond, but he couldn't find the right words. He understood why she was so hesitant for Seth to know, but he was almost grown now. It was time for him to go his own way, time for him to accept that his father's death wasn't his mother's fault, and time for him to let Kirsten live her own life again.

Ryan hugged her close, not wanting to release her. "I could talk to him if you want."

"No, Ryan, I would never ask you to do that. Besides, I'm not ready for that step yet."

Her words were like knives to his heart. He wanted to tell everyone he knew about them, but he had to resign himself to the fact that Kirsten didn't reciprocate that. She had a lot more to lose over this relationship, but he had everything to gain.

* * *

Ryan decided he didn't feel like going to school, so he retreated to the pool house. Kirsten had some errands to run, and had asked him to come along, but he really just wanted to be alone. Her words this morning still hurt him. Everything was fine between them as long as no one knew? He didn't want to hide his feelings for her anymore; he had just spent two years doing exactly that.

The day drug on, slowly, painfully. He wanted to talk to her about it, but he didn't want to push her. It had taken so long for them to finally be able to acknowledge their feelings; he didn't want to do or say anything to jeopardize that. But it wasn't fair to keep hiding from the world. They had something that was wonderful and rare, and something that shouldn't be kept behind closed doors.

The day was melting into night, so Ryan decided to take a swim. He didn't feel like going out, and Kirsten still wasn't home, so he put on some swim trunks, and stepped out onto the patio. He looked out over the ocean, noticing how the sunset was like a molten drop of orange light. He pulled his shirt over his head and entered the pool, swimming laps and trying to clear his head. This thing with Kirsten was both exciting and exhausting. He had lived through so much disappointment in his life. He just hoped that this relationship wouldn't end up being another item on that list. He swam to the edge of the pool, staring out at the ocean again. He didn't want to play games with her. One minute she was kissing him, the next, pushing him away. Although deep down he knew why, it just still wasn't fair. He knew he was being childish, but he couldn't help it. He loved her, and he didn't care who knew it.

Even though part of him wanted to avoid her, he knew that he would never be able to do that again. When she was near, he would always be captivated by her. Every word, every glance completely surrounded him. Nothing else existed when she was around. It could never go back to the way it was before, now that they both knew how if felt to be that close.

Ryan dunked his head under the water, and smoothed his hair back. Her voice caused him to jump. "At least someone's enjoying this thing," she said, gesturing to the pool. He turned to see Kirsten standing in the doorway, dressed in only a bathing suit. Ryan simply stared. Even though he had saw her with much less on, her beauty was still beyond words.

"Sorry if I scared you," she said with a smile. "I thought I'd take a dip in the hot tub. Why aren't you out tonight?"

"I, um, I didn't really feel like going anywhere."

"Sorry to hear that," she replied, walking to the edge of the pool. "You looked pretty lost in your thoughts a minute ago."

"Yeah," he said, swimming over to her.

"Well, they must have been some pretty deep thoughts," she said, leaning down to him. " I had been standing at the door for a while. I can't believe you didn't hear me come in." Ryan smiled back at her, not wanting to have a heavy conversation.

At least not tonight. "You look like you could use a swim," he said to her, eyes sparkling. He reached for her hand, but she jumped back with a shriek.

"Don't you dare," she said, backing away, throwing her head back with laughter.

"Well, I guess I'll just have to come and get you," Ryan responded with a huge grin, climbing out of the pool to chase her.

She ran from him, shrieking again with laughter. He finally reached her, wrapping his arms around her and picking her up. "Ryan, no!" she giggled. She spatted at him playfully, trying to break his grasp. Mercifully, he sat her down, throwing his hands up in defeat.

"All right, you win," he said, kissing her lips. He smiled when he thought about how good it felt just to be with her.

"I could use some company in the hot tub, though," she said, kissing him back. His heart leapt at her implication.

He watched as she stepped down, her slender legs and beautiful curves causing him to stare unabashedly. She slid her body into the rolling liquid warmth. "You coming?" she asked with a smirk.

He smiled and moved to join her. They settled back together, enjoying the sunset, and the feel of each other's body. "We should do this every day," he said, putting his arm around her.

She hummed in response, closing her eyes and letting her body relax. Things had happened so fast in the last few days. The dynamic between her and Ryan had gone from careful longing to sharing a bed in less than a week. Not that she was sorry. She could never be sorry. She just hoped that all of this wasn't a mistake.

They sat together for a long while, not speaking, but simply being. Ryan closed his eyes and marveled at how that of all the people he had ever known, no one had ever made him feel the way she did. Even though there were a lot of issues yet to be worked out, it was all worth it just to have her.

Ryan hugged her close, and kissed her temple. Kirsten sighed and turned to him, grazing the inside of his leg with her fingertips. The unexpected contact caused him to tense, and the fire was lit once again. She noticed his change in posture, and her eyes met his. She smiled at the pure hunger she saw in them.

No permission was necessary this time. He moved over her, slanting his lips across hers in a starved kiss. He forced his tongue between her lips, tantalizing her senses. She ran her fingers through his hair, grabbing on and pulling him closer. He put his hand on the back of her neck, bending her to him. She let out a quiet moan, as she felt her back pressed hard into the side of the spa. She squeaked out a little protest, as the pressure of him upon her became painful.

"Oh, Kirsten, I'm sorry," he said, his hands becoming gentler. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

She kissed him back and gave a smile. "It's okay, Ryan." She adored how his passion was hard to contain sometimes.

"You know, this would probably work a lot better if we switched places," he said to her.

She smiled and stood up to position herself accordingly. Ryan, however stood to join her, gathering her up in another intense embrace. He kissed her neck, collarbone, and shoulders. He tugged at the strap of her bathing suit. "This is kinda in the way, don't you think?"

She giggled softly as he pulled one strap from her shoulder. He placed kisses where the material had been, doing the same with the other side. Her gaze became a little more serious when he started working the suit down her body, his eyes never leaving hers. His hands worked deliberately slow, and pretty soon the suit was pooled around her waist. He clenched his jaw and admired her bare chest. He had seen her this way before, but the lighting this evening provided a better view. He let his hands roam over her sleek skin, his fingertips grazing her stomach as he moved upward. His touch was light and feathery, and she shivered in response. His fingers moved up her sides, caressing her breasts as he went. She closed her eyes, and he took the opportunity to gently pinch her nipples between his fingers.

"Oh! Ryan," her wide-eyed open mouth response made him laugh softly. He was quick to assuage her by moving his lips there, letting his tongue bathe her in gentle strokes. She smiled and moaned softly, the surprise ebbing away from her voice.

After a few minutes of letting him play, she had finally had enough. She pulled his face up to hers, kissing him hard. She forced him back down into the warm water, and she began making quick work of her suit. She flung it onto the concrete beside them, and he could only sit there, staring at her naked form. The last time they were together, the moonlight had hidden much of her from him, but now there was nothing left to the imagination. She was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Toned arms, perfect chest, flat stomach, legs that went on forever. She gave a lot of women half her age a run for their money as far as looks went.

He smiled when he saw Kirsten leaning down to him. She climbed on his lap, and his hands clasped her waist. She kissed him again, but the kiss was broken when she looked down and frowned.

"Looks like we forgot something," she said playfully, tugging at his swim shorts. He grinned facetiously at her, remembering that's what he had said to her the night before. He stood up, shedding his shorts and tossing them onto the concrete next to her suit.

She admired not only his nakedness, but how comfortable he was with her. She grinned at him through drawn lashes as he seated himself beside her once again. He pulled her on top of him, and Kirsten sighed at the way his bare skin felt against her own. The warm water churned around them, and Ryan cupped her face and kissed her. The kiss was deep and long, and she could feel her body responding to its intensity. Her hands roamed his chest, mesmerized by the taut muscles she found there. She traveled a little lower to his stomach, and traced her fingernail down the center until she reached something curiously hard. She bit her lip and smiled when he pulled away from the kiss and drew in a deep breath. He let her explore, groaning at the contact. His head lolled back and rested on the concrete behind him. All of his strength was gone as a result of her gentle touch. His moans traveled through the night air, a beautiful song that graced her ears. She giggled when he finally grabbed her hands and pulled her forcefully to him, her body almost slamming into his.

Their kiss resumed where it had left off, and she moved over him, guiding him to the spot he needed to find. He placed his hands on her hips and pushed slightly to enter her. He stopped short when she winced, and she looked at him apologetically.

He knew without her having to speak a word, so he kissed her softly, letting her set the pace. After a few minutes, she relaxed and began to move against him. She pushed herself to him, closing her eyes tight as her body reminded her of their activities the night before. He finally rested completely inside her, and she cried out at the sensation. She was still for a moment, giving her body time to accept. He kissed her and moved his hands from her hips to stroke her back. He breathed hard at the feeling of being inside her.

After a few moments, Kirsten began to move her body against his. Her breathing increased as she found the pleasure she had been craving. She tipped her head back, uttering words so soft that he couldn't hear them. Her hands were on his shoulders as she supported herself against him. Her moans were delicious, and he couldn't help pulling her down for a kiss to devour a few of them.

"Ryan," she called out, arching her back seductively. He knew that this couldn't last much longer. He grasped her hips, pulling her down onto him over and over. She raked her fingernails across his chest, calling out in her ecstacy. The thrusts became faster and more desperate as both wanted to find their release. She clawed the skin on his chest more forcefully, and moaned sharply. He knew that she had reached her climax, and he watched her response. Her eyes closed, her mouth open, her breath ragged and out of control. It was primal and erotic, and it wasn't long before he joined her. He grasped her hips tightly, and brought her down with force. He groaned out, saying her name, and in a few minutes she was crumpled on top of him in an exhausted heap. She rested her head on his shoulder, fighting to get her breathing under control. He brought his arms around her, holding her close.

"That, was, amazing," she said to him between panting. "I mean, really, really, amazing."

Ryan, still within her, laughed softly and stroked her hair. "Yes it was." He kissed her forehead and she turned to him, placing a soft kiss on his lips. "I don't know about you, but I'm starving," she said, when she was able to speak again. "Why don't we get some take out and stay in, watch a movie or something?"

"That's sounds perfect," he said as she climbed off of him. "I'll go get us some towels," Kirsten replied. He smiled as he watched her step out and walk to the pool house. She was completely confident in her nakedness, and he loved that. He mused at how, despite the events of the last year, she was so perfect. The perfect daughter and mother, friend and lover. She rarely gave herself the credit she deserved because she was always so busy taking care of everyone else. He wanted to be the one to take care of her for a change.

She returned with a towel wrapped around her, and handed one to him. He stepped out, taking it, and dried himself quickly. "I'm gonna go get dressed," he said to her. "You pick what you want to eat and I'll pick the movie."

She smiled at him, and walked back into the house to dress. As she studied herself in the mirror, she shook her head, and realized how long it had been since she had actually felt like this. Ryan was young and fresh and spontaneous. He was everything that had been missing in her life the past few years.

As Kirsten stood there shivering, she thought about how much better her life had been with Ryan in it. No one else took the time to reach her the way he did. He was her equal, her best friend. She just hoped that she could stick with this relationship. She was terrified at the repercussions that she knew were bound to come, but she knew that this relationship had to last. This wasn't just one of those fly-by-night kind of situations. They had both had too much disappointment in their lives. They both knew how it felt to be rejected and alone. And she also knew that Ryan couldn't take another bad relationship.

She put on some sleep shorts and a top, and made her way back to the kitchen. She called in some Thai food, which she knew was Ryan's favorite. She grabbed a bottle of water out of the fridge, when she heard the doorbell ring. She frowned out of curiosity and went to answer it.

"Hey Kiks!" Julie called, giving her a firm hug.

"Oh, hey Julie, come in" Kirsten replied nervously, walking back into the kitchen. "What are you doing here?"

"Well, I tried your cell a few minutes ago, but you didn't answer. I just wanted to come by and see how you were doing. We haven't done anything in a while, and I thought you might want to go grab a bite." Julie walked across the kitchen to the door overlooking the pool. "Caleb's working late and Marissa is out with her friends. I didn't want to spent the night at home being bored." Julie peered out the window and noticed the swim clothes that were scattered haphazardly by the spa. Looked like a swim suit and some shorts. Julie didn't say anything, but frowned questioningly. She turned back to Kirsten, and noticed her damp hair. Julie pursed her mouth, but said nothing.

"Well, actually I just ordered some take out. I kinda planned on taking it easy tonight. It's been a long week and—"

"Kirsten, how about _Mr. & Mrs. Smith_," Ryan interrupted, knowing it was one of her favorite movies.

Kirsten's eyes widened and her stomach lurched as her gaze went uneasily from Ryan to Julie. "Oh hey Julie, I didn't know you were coming by," he said, petrified.

"I just came by to see how Kirsten was doing, but apparently you're just fine. I didn't mean to intrude," she said, noticing Ryan's also-damp hair, and casting a questioning glance in Kirsten's direction.

"Aw, don't be silly, Julie, me and Ryan are just gonna stay in tonight and watch a movie. You're not interrupting" she replied, smiling and trying to sound calm.

"Hm mm," Julie smirked, her eyes slanted with implication. "Well, I'll get going. But call me sometime this week and we'll get together for lunch. I feel like we never get to talk anymore." That head tilt and the tone in Julie's voice was hard to miss, and Kirsten had never felt more transparent as she did at that moment.

"I'd like that," Kirsten replied, knowing her face was turning a bright red. "See you, Julie."

"Bye, Kiks! Bye Ryan." Julie showed herself to the door, leaving the two of them to recover.

"Oh my god," Kirsten said, covering her face and shaking her head.

Ryan walked over to her, and cradled her in his arms. "It was only Julie. I think our secret is safe."

"It's fine, I just wish I had been a little more prepared. Besides, Julie can read me like a book. I wouldn't have to say a word and she would know." Kirsten snaked her arms around his neck and enjoyed his embrace. His scent, his warmth, surely it was worth the risk they were taking. She was in love with him and she knew it.

They spent the rest of the night eating Thai and watching tv. They cuddled close on the couch, laughing and enjoying just being near one another. Before the movie even ended, both of them were sleeping, wrapped up in each other's arms. As the closing credits began to roll, Ryan awoke to find Kirsten asleep on his shoulder. He tried to nudge her awake, but to no avail. He smiled and kissed the top of her head. He gathered her up, and carried her to her bed. Once she was snug under the covers, Ryan went back to the living room to turn off the lights. He made sure the front door was locked, and walked to the door leading to the pool house. He stopped when his hand reached the knob. After pausing just a moment, he turned and walked back to her bedroom. The moonlight filtered in and illuminated her sleeping form. He crawled underneath the covers and snuggled next to her warm body. She murmured softly in her sleep, and he smiled as he held her close. He couldn't bear to sleep alone tonight, not after he knew how it felt to lie beside her.

* * *

**You guys are awesome with the reviews...thx so much for reading:) **


	7. Chapter 7

Thx so much you guys for reviewing, and special thanks to Caroline for all of her helpful hints...this story would not gel without them!!! This chapter is rather angsty, but hopefully you'll enjoy!!

* * *

Part 7

The next few weeks went by with pretty much the same rhythm. Ryan and Kirsten snuck time together whenever they could. But when they were in public or otherwise surrounded, Kirsten hid her feelings away.

School was out, which meant Seth had actually been spending more time at home. This left much less time for the late night romps and bed-sharing, but they managed what little time they had the best that they could. Ryan was sometimes resentful of her need to keep them a secret, but he didn't want to fight about it with her. He kept his thoughts inside in the classic Ryan Atwood style. But he wasn't so sure how long that could last.

Kirsten managed to avoid any more conversations with Julie, at least for now. But she knew that the issue was long from forgotten. Julie had a way of biding her time, waiting until just the right moment to open the discussion. Kirsten knew that she suspected something; it was in her eyes the night she came to the house. Kirsten wanted to talk to someone about everything that was going on, but there was just so much at stake. But if anyone in Newport could understand, she knew Julie was the one.

* * *

Ryan walked into the kitchen and over to the refrigerator. He grabbed a bottle of water, taking a long drink. He leaned on the counter, disgusted with the day. Kirsten had barely spoken to him in two days. Seth had apparently moved back in, but had resigned himself to his room most of the time. So he was there, but not actually there. Kirsten had been buzzing around him ever since he arrived, trying to coax him out with anything–food, movies, it didn't matter. She was so desperate to salvage their relationship. But Ryan couldn't help but feel a little jealous. It made him angry how that Seth still seemed so wrapped up in his own drama to notice the effort Kirsten was putting forward. He didn't know how much longer he could stand by and watch Seth take advantage of her.

Kirsten walked in with an armful of groceries. Despite Ryan's inner thoughts, he hurried to her, helping her with the bags. "Thanks, Ryan," she said, smiling a chaste smile. He smiled back, setting the bags down and walking over to her. He put his arms around her and pulled her close, but was disappointed to feel the tension in her body. She pulled back a little, "Ryan, Seth's coming in with more groceries," she whispered, and then he understood.

Ryan nodded, and backed away, rather unwillingly. A few minutes later Seth appeared, "I think that's everything. Hey Ryan."

"Hey," was the only response he could find. Ryan and Kirsten started putting the groceries away, while Seth stood on and watched, chattering about some mindless argument he had with Summer. Ryan could have cared less, and couldn't help but look more than a little annoyed. When Seth figured out that he didn't have much of an audience, he retreated to the stairs. "Let me know when supper's ready."

"Alright," Kirsten replied, a little hurt that he seemed to refuse to spend more than five minutes with her.

"I thought we could have lasagne tonight," Kirsten said to Ryan, trying to break the silence.

"Hmm," he replied, and Kirsten stopped what she was doing to stare at him. "Is something on your mind, Ryan?"

_Here it comes_, Ryan said to himself. "A lot of things, actually." His directness caused Kirsten to blink.

"I just don't understand why you keep treating him like he's six," Ryan continued, his voice low but firm. "He's so wrapped in his own world to care about anything else, but you still keep sheltering him from everything, from us. I just don't get it. He's not a kid anymore." His frustrations were finding their way out.

"He's my son, Ryan," she said with a frown, "and I'd like to think I know how to handle him. This thing with us, it's more complicated than that. We have to be careful how we handle it."

"Why?" Ryan shot back, determined. "We're not doing anything wrong. We're both adults, and I don't see why it's such a big deal. I'm not ashamed of us, but maybe you are."

"Ryan, I'm not getting in to this right now. Seth is upstairs and will be coming down for dinner in a while. I would like to enjoy his company while he's here. Who knows how long he'll stay. And besides, you know that I'm not ashamed of us. I never would have made the choice to come to you if that's how I felt. But you have to remember that you were a minor when you came here. You were in my care, and if people find out that we're sleeping together–"

"Since when do you care what other people think?" Ryan snapped, unable to hide the hurt in his eyes any longer. "I'm not a kid anymore, and the way I feel about you goes a hell of a lot deeper than just 'sleeping with you.' I guess now I know that's all I was to you." His voice was choked with anger, and he turned to leave.

"Ryan, please," he heard her call from behind him. She caught his arm, and he stopped in his tracks. "Ryan, I hope you know that's not true. Please tell me that's not what you really think." Her eyes welled up with tears, and he couldn't bear the sadness in her voice. She clung to him, "I'm sorry, Ryan, I just don't know how to deal with all of this."

"Shh," he soothed, rubbing his hands up and down her back. "I'm sorry for losing my temper, just don't cry Kirsten." He had watched her cry so many times in the past year; he just couldn't stand to know that she was crying because of him.

She pulled back, and he wiped her tears away gently. He cupped her face and placed a soft kiss on her lips. "We'll figure everything out," he said to her, trying to sound reassuring. She smiled at him, taking his hand. "Thank you," was her response. "You want to help me in the kitchen?" He nodded, grateful for whatever time they could have together. Although things were fine for now, there was a terrible canyon of separation between them. He longed for the closeness they had shared just a few weeks back. He felt like she was slowly slipping away.

They cooked together in silence. Neither knew what would be the next appropriate thing to say, so instead of saying the wrong thing, silence seemed like a much better option. When the meal was prepared, Seth joined them, oblivious to the tension in the room. He chattered on, as Ryan and Kirsten exchanged pained glances from across the table. It seemed that their chemistry had taken a back seat to reality.

* * *

After they finished and the dishes were cleared, Kirsten retreated to her room to read, and Ryan made his way to the pool house, Seth following close on his heels.

"I thought we could log some Seth/Ryan time. It seems we've both been so busy with our mundane lives that we've put it on the back burner." Ryan slumped onto the bed, and Seth made himself comfortable in an adjacent chair.

"Seth, I think I really just want to sleep." He was not in the mood for Seth's bullshit, not tonight.

"What? It's like eight thirty. Besides, I wanted to talk to you about something."

Ryan unconsciously tensed, sitting up to face him. "What's up?"

"Well, I know I've been a little out of the loop with my mom lately. Is she doing okay? She's seemed a little distracted or something lately. I know I've been really hard on her, and I just want to make sure she's alright."

"Yeah, you have been and yeah she's fine," Ryan responded curtly. "Now's a fine time to be asking. You haven't really been around the past year."

Seth frowned, puzzled by Ryan's tone. "Yeah, I know, that's why I'm asking. It's just been a bad year for me, and–"

"It's been a bad year for everybody, Seth," Ryan snapped, venom dripping from his words. "It's not just about you. Kirsten went through something terrible and the only thing you could think about was yourself, as usual."

"Well, glad to know that someone's stepped into the Dad shoes. What's your problem anyway?"

"My problem is that when Sandy died, it was me who held her hand during the service. When she was in rehab, it was me who visited her every week. I've sat by and watched Kirsten beg and plead with you to come home for months now. I've listened as she cried herself to sleep at night because she was hurting so much. But you wouldn't know anything about that because you're too worried about Seth."

Seth could only sit and stare, dodging Ryan's hateful words. "I'm the one who's been there for her, I'm the one she talks to when she's lonely, but she still wastes her time chasing after you, and for the life of me I don't understand why." His words were harsh, but he didn't care. It needed to be said.

"Yeah, I have noticed that you've been pretty close with my mom." Seth's eyes were filling with a growing understanding. "I guess since my dad's not around, you've just taken it upon yourself to take his place. Is that about it?"

"Whatever, Seth," Ryan slurred, walking to the door. This conversation was getting out of control, and fast. He hadn't meant for it to escalate to this.

"Just tell me that I'm wrong, and I'll never bring it up again. Tell me I'm wrong about you and my mom." Seth's words were filled with fear and desperation.

Ryan stopped in the doorway, bracing himself with one hand. He turned to face Seth, knowing that there was no turning back now. He stared for a long time, trying to put his words together. "I love her, Seth." he said finally. "I've loved her for a long time."

Seth just sat like a statue as the realization swept over him. "I didn't want you to find out like this," Ryan continued.

"You know what, just save it," Seth said, obviously disgusted. "How could you do this? You were like my brother!" He put his hands up when Ryan tried to interject. "I can't deal with this right now," Seth said, passing Ryan and walking out the door.

"Where are you going?" Ryan asked, his heart pounding in his chest.

"Well, I've been looking for a reason to get the hell out of this town. I guess this is as good as it gets. Tell my mom that I won't be moving back in after all."

"Seth, don't do this, we can talk about it." Ryan was desperate to stop the train wreck that was unfolding before him.

"No, we can't." Seth said as he disappeared from sight.

Ryan leaned against the facing, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Just moments later, Kirsten appeared in the doorway. "Where was Seth going in such a hurry? I called out to him, but he just kept walking. Is everything alright?" She asked, seeing the look of worry cross Ryan's face.

"He knows," was all Ryan had to say. Kirsten's eyes widened and she suddenly felt sick. "Oh shit," was her reply. She closed her eyes, leaning back against the facing. When her eyes opened, they were clouded with a new emotion.

"What the hell did you say to him?" she asked angrily. "You had to tell him, didn't you?"

"I didn't tell him anything he didn't already know. Besides, you knew this was going to happen eventually–"

"No, Ryan, I didn't know that. No one had to know! Why did you do this?" Kirsten's voice was fraught with panic, and she turned to walk back to the house. He caught her arm and spun her around. "Why are you acting this way? Seth's a grown man, why are you protecting him?"

"Because it's my business, Ryan, not yours. I can't do this right now. I need to try and find him. Try and smooth this over."

He watched her walk away, unable to muster a response to anything she had said. He had never felt so abandoned in his life. What he had went through with his own mother couldn't even compare to this. All the hurt and disappointments of his life came crashing down on him, and he retreated to his bed. He wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't come. He balled his fists, wanting to break something. Anything to release these demons inside his head. He had lived through rejection so many times. He thought all of that was over when she had come to his room that night. He thought that he had finally found someone to break the cycle of ostracism and loneliness that had plagued him for so long.

He turned out the lights and buried himself under the sheets. His head and his heart ached. He knew what he had to do. He didn't want to leave, but he felt like there was no other way. Staying here was causing too much pain for everyone, himself included. First thing in the morning, he would figure out his next move. Right now, he just wanted to sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

Thanks to everyone that continues to follow this story so loyally. And a special thanks to Caroline for all of the late-nite, priceless insight on this story. You're awesome!!

* * *

Part 8

Kirsten awoke when the first hint of sunlight found its way into the room. She had fallen asleep on the couch, waiting, hoping that Seth would come back. She had tried to call him, but he wasn't answering. She didn't know where he was, or where to even begin looking. But what good would it do? Kirsten was sure that she was the last person he wanted to talk to right now.

And Ryan. She thought about the things she had said to him in her anger last night. She owed him an apology. She knew she had handled it all wrong; she just hoped that it wasn't too late to fix. But first, she needed some coffee.

She walked to the kitchen, rubbing the sleep from her eyes. She put on the coffee and stared out the window to the pool house. The shades were drawn, and she imagined him in there, still sleeping, still hurting. She never meant for any of this to happen. She loved him, that was for sure. But never had a relationship been this complicated and scary. But at the same time, never had a relationship been as fulfilling and real.

She wanted to make things right with Ryan. And as badly as she wanted Seth to accept it, she knew that she couldn't deny the way she felt for Ryan, regardless of anyone's reaction. Hopefully Seth would find a way to cope with it eventually.

She poured two cups of coffee and clumsily made her way to the pool house. For some reason, she felt inclined to knock. But when she received no response, she quietly opened the door, as not to wake him. When she opened the door, she stopped short. The cold sensation of fear began creeping upon her. His bed was perfectly made, the room spotless and tidy. In the center of the bed was a piece of paper.

_No,_ she said to herself, hoping she was wrong. She sat down the coffee cups and walked slowly to the bed. The note was folded neatly and addressed to her, and her heart caught inside her throat. She sat down slowly, retrieving the paper, and already blinking back the tears in her eyes. She unfolded it and began to read,

_Kirsten,_

_I'm sorry to do it like this, but I didn't see any other way. I can't stay here any longer. Everyone I love is hurting because of me, and I think things will be better when I'm not around. I wanted to say goodbye to you before I left, but I couldn't bring myself to. I'm sorry for that. _

_There's never been another person in my life like you, Kirsten. And I wouldn't trade the last two years for anything in the world. But I can't be here and not be with you._ _I love you more than my own life, and most of all, I just want you to be happy, with or without me. I hope one day you'll understand why I had to leave._

_-Ryan_

The tears were streaming down her face as she finished reading. She folded the letter again and placed it over her heart. She lay back against the bed, breathing in his scent still there, and let the sobs come in waves. Her heart was broken, but what made it worse was knowing it was her own fault. She had come to him to apologize, to make things right again, and now he was gone. She wouldn't get the chance to say she was sorry for letting him down. Now she had no idea where he was. She cried until the coverlet beneath her was soaked. She couldn't find the strength to get up. She had hurt him so badly. And nothing could fix it now.

She finally rose from the mattress, dragging herself to the kitchen again, taking the letter along. Her moves were methodic, dream-like. She opened the cabinet under the sink, reaching for something that had been hidden away for months now. She pulled out the bottle, staring at it as if she was seeing it for the first time. She slid down the cabinets until she was seated on the floor. She sat the bottle on the floor next to her, and pulled her knees to her chest. She simply sat there, wanting to take a drink, but remained paralyzed. She stared at the label, at its contents, as the tears stung her eyes once again. She had made so much progress since Sandy's death. Was she really about to throw it all away? She picked up the bottle and unscrewed the cap. The stinging smell of vodka overcame her senses. It was almost enough to send her over the edge. The pain was almost unbearable; it sat in her chest like a sickening mass. She closed her eyes and rested her head against the cabinet behind her. She thought of Ryan, of where he could be. She wanted to go to him, but what could she say? She couldn't think of any words that would be able to fix this mess. His hurt was so deep; it would take more than 'I'm sorry' to mend him.

She opened her eyes again, and knew what she needed to do. She stood up, taking the bottle to the sink, where she emptied its contents. As the last of the clear liquid ran down the drain, she knew who she needed to talk to. Someone who could help her put it all into perspective. Julie was the only person she could trust with this conversation; she was the only friend Kirsten could count on. She picked up the phone and rang her. Julie would be on her way shortly, she said.

Kirsten went to the bathroom where she pulled back her hair and washed her face. She was nervous about telling Julie, but she wanted to be sure she was making the right decision with Ryan. Kirsten knew she wasn't in any shape to be rational, and another person's perspective might be just the thing to get her back on track.

* * *

Ryan leaned against the railing outside his hotel room. He reached into his pocket and took out the cigarettes he had bought earlier. He had found the cheapest place he could find, and needless to say, it was nothing like the accommodations he was used to. The afternoon sun slanted across the lot, and he could just barely hear the ocean from where he was standing. He pulled one smoke from the pack and lit it, something he hadn't done in over two years now. But the urge was too strong. He needed something to take his mind off of her.

He shifted his weight, blowing out a puff of smoke. He had to figure out what he was going to do now. He couldn't go back, but he didn't have anywhere to go. He had just a little money, and all of his belongings fit into a duffel bag. His life had started with nothing, and now it was back to that again. He had no home, and no one who wanted him.

He thought about Kirsten and the things she had said to him the night before he left. The look on her face was so cold, nothing like the Kirsten that had become so dear to him. His chest hurt, partly from the acrid smoke he was inhaling and partly from the pain that sat there like a stone, crushing him and consuming his thoughts.

Despite his feelings at the moment, he fought the urge to pick up the phone and call her. He still loved her, nothing would change that. He worried about her being alone. Seth had made it pretty clear that he wasn't coming home, and he worried about how she would handle the loneliness. It had been a while since she came home from rehab, but he knew there was always a chance for relapse. She had made so much progress; he surely didn't want to be the cause of reversing all of that.

But he just couldn't get past her words that night. She was so angry and so caught up in how Seth was going to react, she completely disregarded Ryan's feelings altogether. Anyone he had ever tried to get close to had turned their back on him, and he wasn't just going to stand by and let it happen again. Even though he loved her and his heart ached for her, the events of his past kept him from running back to her the way he wanted to.

Ryan flicked his spent cigarette to the pavement below, and turned to go inside. The sun was close to setting, and he just wanted to get some rest. It had been a long day, and he knew that in the morning he needed to start making some plans to get his life back on track. The plans he had just a few months ago didn't matter now; it was time to head in a new direction. Away from Newport, away from Kirsten. The mere thought of that was enough to send his stomach into a spin. He lay down on the bed, rubbing his face and closing his eyes. Maybe everything would make more sense tomorrow.

* * *

Julie arrived at the house and found Kirsten in the living room. Her hair was pulled back sharply and she was still as a statue, her knees hugged to her chest. Apparently Kirsten hadn't even heard her come in, so she tapped softly on the kitchen door facing. She smiled apologetically when Kirsten jumped violently.

"Sorry, sweetie, I didn't mean to scare you."

"Oh, it's okay, Julie. Come in." Julie noticed that Kirsten's face was red and shiny with recent tears. She hated to see her friend this way.

"So what's going on, Kirsten?" Julie asked, taking a seat beside Kirsten on the sofa.

Kirsten breathed in sharply, trying to find some composure to accompany her words. Her hands were shaking, and she blinked back the tears. "Julie, I don't really know how to say this, so I'm just going to get right to it." She sighed as Julie waited patiently, listening. "A few months ago, something, happened with me and Ryan. It's really always been there, but we finally, acknowledged it, I guess you could say." Kirsten felt her nerves relax a little. "But last night, Seth found out. He was understandably freaked out, and he stormed out. I don't know where he is." The tears were coming, and Kirsten fought them as hard as she could. "I was horrible to Ryan, I blamed him for everything. And I felt terrible about it. I went to the pool house this morning to apologize, but he was gone too." Kirsten began to cry. "He left a note. That's all."

Julie stared at the piece of paper that Kirsten was extending to her. She looked back to Kirsten, and her heart broke when she saw the tears streaming down her cheeks. Julie took the note, carefully unfolding it. Her eyes scanned the page, touched by the sincerity in Ryan's words.

"Oh, Kirsten," Julie soothed, going to her friend to embrace her. Kirsten sobbed against her shoulder as Julie rubbed her back reassuringly. She knew it wasn't necessary to speak, only to be there. She simply held this woman, the only one in this town that she could still call a friend. Julie thought about all the nights when Kirsten had been the strong one. Despite their past, Julie treasured the friendship that they had forged.

After a few minutes, Kirsten began to regain control of herself. She pulled back from Julie, "I'm sorry I cried all over you. I just don't know what to do, Julie."

Kirsten commenced to tell her everything. The electric encounters between her and Ryan, the careful longing, the way he had been there for her through all of the last year's trials. She even told her about the night in the kitchen when she made the choice to go to him. Julie listened intently, never even raising an eyebrow. After all, she could relate to falling for someone half her age. But her affair with Luke could hardly compare to this.

"I was so scared when I finally made that decision. All I could think about was how everyone would react to it. I just didn't want to hurt Ryan, but now I've done exactly that." Kirsten wiped her eyes and sighed deeply. "Do you think I made the wrong choice?" Kirsten asked her with a sniffle. "Do you think it's wrong for me to feel this way about him?"

"No, I certainly don't. Kirsten, sometimes the one you love turns out to be someone you never expected. And besides, I've known this for a long time." Julie responded with a smirk. "I've seen the way you two look at each other. The night of the fundraiser, I thought I would have to get a fire extinguisher out to both of you." This comment caused Kirsten to smile just a little. "And the night I came here, and saw the perfect set of swim clothes by the pool. I knew what was going on. And I don't think you made the wrong choice. You love him; it's obvious that he loves you. I think it's wonderful, Kirsten."

Kirsten breathed a little easier, knowing she had an ally in all of this. "Seth has been through so much. That's been the main thing holding me back from all of this. I knew that he would be destroyed."

"Yeah, and he'll be pissed off for a while, but he'll get over it. Just like everyone else. Kirsten, I'm not saying that it will be easy for you and Ryan. People are going to say what they're going to say no matter what, you know that. But you can't let that hold you back from the rest of your life. It doesn't matter what everyone thinks; it's what you think. You've spent enough time being sad, and your entire life revolves around caring for everyone else. It's time you put yourself first for a change. If you love Ryan, then you should tell him. And as for Seth, it's time for him to grow up and realize that Ryan is the one that makes you happy. He'll learn to accept it in time."

Kirsten's heart leapt as the weight of guilt began to lift. She knew that Julie was right, but she had really screwed things up this time. She just hoped it wasn't too late to put this back together.

"I know that you're right, Julie, but I don't know if Ryan can ever forgive me for this. He has lived through so much disappointment, and I am just the latest one to let him down. He is such a broken soul, and I wanted to be the one to fix him. But more than that, Ryan just understands me. I've never had that before."

"And that's exactly why you should call him. Find out where he is and go to him. Forget about Seth or anyone else for that matter. Tell Ryan you're sorry. And for Christ's sake, tell him that you love him and you want him to come back home."

Kirsten sniffed again and nodded. "Thank you so much for coming over, Julie. I knew I could count on you to help me sort this out." Kirsten reached out and hugged Julie, thankful that she had such a wonderful friend.

"It's what I'm here for. I really think it's great, for the both of you. And things will get better, even though it may not seem like it right now. Now, I'm going to go now, because there's a phone call I really hope you'll make, Kirsten."

Kirsten smiled and saw Julie to the door. When she was gone, Kirsten leaned against it, closing her eyes. She was so scared that Ryan had disappeared. She wanted so badly to go to him. Kirsten walked over to retrieve the phone from its cradle. She carefully dialed Ryan's cell number, and waiting with her heart hammering. Three rings, then the dreaded voicemail. She hung up quickly; what she had to say, she didn't want to say to a machine. Maybe she would try again in a minute.

* * *

Ryan awoke, and stared through the dark at the ceiling above him. The night was still and quiet, except for the rise and fall of his breathing. He closed his eyes, and for a second he swore he could smell her perfume, that heady, Kirsten scent that he would know anywhere. But when he opened them again, he realized that it was only his mind playing games. Even though it had only been a couple of days since he left, it felt like an eternity. He was sick with the realization that he was going to have to move on without her. Now that he had known what it was like to have her, he honestly didn't know if he would survive.

The silence was pierced by the ring of his phone. His heart almost jumped through his chest, but instead of rushing to answer it, he remained paralyzed. He knew it was probably her, but for some reason, he couldn't move. Was it fear? Whatever it was kept him from getting to the call, and soon the ringing stopped. He lay perfectly still, not breathing. Eventually, the suspense began to tear him apart, so he huffed a breath and turned over to reach his phone. He flipped it open and frowned at the number. It wasn't Kirsten, it was Seth.

Seth was one person that Ryan definitely did not want to talk to. Ryan was sure that he only wanted to rant some more, about how disgusting it was for him to be with Kirsten. Matter of fact, Ryan really didn't give a shit what anyone else thought. But he knew that Kirsten sure did. All the pain of their last conversation began to return to him. He loved her so much, but she apparently didn't return those feelings. At least not anymore.

* * *

Seth drove around for hours, trying to figure out why his life had to suck the way that it did. In the past year or so, he had managed to lose his father, find out his mother was a drunk, and now that his so-called 'brother' was sleeping with his mom. Everything used to be so normal, so calm. And now, he was avoiding home in order to stay sane.

Part of him resented the day that Ryan ever came to Newport. They had been such great friends at one time; Seth had even told Ryan how he had rescued him from a friendless existence. But since Sandy died, everything had been different. Ryan had Kirsten and likewise, which left no one for Seth.

He had always known that they shared a bond. It was obvious when Kirsten sometimes took Ryan's side over her own son. But Seth never dreamed that it would turn into this. He felt betrayed by both of them, and he didn't know how he would ever be able to face this new reality.

He decided it was time to talk to Kirsten about it. If she wanted to have a relationship with him, this thing with Ryan had to stop. It was just too weird. He turned the car around, and headed back home. He arrived to find the house dimly lit, and Kirsten nowhere to be found. He searched every room, with no success. When he came back through the kitchen, he stopped short, frozen with fear. The empty bottle was sitting by the sink, cap off. Seth closed his eyes, hoping that this wasn't happening the way he thought it was.

He walked to the back patio, and saw Kirsten sitting at the outside table. There was no glass sitting before her, but he still wondered if she had been drinking. Her posture was slumped, her chin rested in her hands. She was staring off into the night, and every few seconds he saw her free hand go to her face, as if wiping away a tear. Seth was a little unsure about how to approach her, so he simply opened the door and walked slowly toward her. She looked up, her countenance so full of sadness. He wasn't sure if her eyes were clouded with hurt or alcohol, so Seth just stood there. She was so lost, nothing like the woman that was supposed to be his mom.

She smiled weakly at him, "I didn't expect to see you for a while." Her voice was choked with emotion, and Seth felt the heaviness in his chest. He couldn't bear to see her this way. It took him back to the weeks right after his dad passed. She was so fraught with sorrow, she was virtually unrecognizable.

"I just wanted to make sure you were okay," Seth said, forgetting all about his anger. " I saw the bottle by the sink, and I thought,"

"I didn't drink," Kirsten said reassuringly. "I thought about it, but I didn't. I promise."

Seth nodded, grateful for that. "Mom, I'm sorry for acting the way that I did the other night. It's just, a lot, you know?"

"I know, Seth, and I'm sorry you had to find out the way you did. It should have been me to tell you, but I couldn't figure out how. I was trying so hard to protect you, but I ended up hurting Ryan instead."

Seth looked puzzled for a minute, "What do you mean?"

Kirsten looked at him through tear-filled eyes, "Seth, he's gone. He left sometime last night. He left a note, and that's all. I don't know where he is."

Seth felt his stomach knot, knowing he was the cause of all of this. He sat down in the chair next to Kirsten. He offered his hand, and she took it, wiping her face with her other hand. Seth found it hard to breathe, realized the magnitude of what happened. He had no idea that their feelings ran so deep. Even though it was still hard to stomach in a way, he was beginning to understand. Ryan and Kirsten's relationship wasn't just skin deep; she really loved him, and he loved her. And because of his own selfishness, Seth knew he might've ruined everything.

"Mom, I'm so sorry. I had no idea. Me and Ryan fought last night about it, and I was a complete ass. Let me try and talk to him—"

"Seth," Kirsten interjected. "It's okay, really. Ryan had to make the choice to leave, not you. Besides, if this is going to be fixed, it will be up to us. I don't want you to feel like you have to get in the middle. I understand why you reacted they way you did. It's what I was afraid of all along. We've all been through a lot this year, and everybody's changing. It's hard to keep up I guess." Kirsten was trying not to cry again.

"I'm so sorry if I hurt you, Seth," she continued. "It was never my intention. Ryan just understands me. And while I will always love Sandy, it's time to move on. Me and Ryan, well, we might not make sense to anyone else, but I love him. I'm sorry if that's hard for you to hear, but it's the way I feel, and I have to be honest about it."

Seth blinked back the tears that were forming. "Mom, it's okay. I get it. I was just so freaked out about everything that I didn't bother to care about anyone but me. And while that usually doesn't come as a surprise, this is different. You deserve someone who makes you happy, no matter who that happens to be. Really, I'll try to be cool with it."

Kirsten couldn't help but smile at her son, and she was amazed at how much he had seemed to grow in just a few minutes time. She leaned across the table to hug him, gathering him up and holding him close. All those months of barely speaking and avoiding one another had finally come to an end. She had desperately wanted to have a relationship with him again, and she was so glad to have a second chance.


	9. Chapter 9

**This chapter is short, but will get the story in the direction is was intended to go in all along...please R&R!!**

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Part 9

Ryan groaned as he heard his phone ringing once again. He picked it up and stared at it in the dark. Seth just wasn't going to give up. He sighed out, and flipped it open to answer it.

"Hey," he said simply.

"Hey Ryan, where are you, man? I need to talk to you."

"I'm at a hotel, what's up Seth?" Ryan asked, trying not to sound irritated.

"It's about my mom." Ryan's attitude changed instantly.

"What is it, is she okay?" he asked with a little panic lacing his words.

"Yeah, I mean, I think she will be. Tell me where you are. We need to talk."

Ryan disclosed his location, not far away from Newport after all. He rubbed his face as Seth said he would be there in fifteen minutes. Ryan sat up, turning on a light. He glanced at the clock. It sure didn't seem like it was one in the morning. He had hardly slept a wink, and his eyes were stinging with exhaustion. What could be so important for Seth to drive all the way out here anyway?

Ryan took a deep breath, unable to shake his concern for Kirsten. Had she started drinking again? His stomach hurt at the thought of that. He never wanted to see her that way again, and he especially didn't want to be the cause.

Ryan lay back on the bed, covering his face with his hands, and trying to calm the butterflies he felt fluttering inside of him. He didn't want to talk to Seth; he didn't want to hear the reasons why he and Kirsten shouldn't be together. He didn't care what Seth or anyone else thought. But he guessed that didn't matter now. What he and Kirsten had once had was over; they had made their choices. And that reality still cut through him like a knife.

He could hear the thunder begin to roll from miles away. He frowned; rain was something they rarely saw here. Just as well, the rain matched the way he felt inside. He listened as it began dusting the roof lightly with mist. But within minutes, the drops began to pelt down. Ryan was entranced by the sound. He thought about how good it would feel to lie beside her right now, falling asleep to the rhythm of the downpour. He honestly didn't know how he would survive the rest of his life without her. It was suddenly hard for him to breathe as he thought about the future and how uncertain it had become.

Ryan jumped when he heard the knock. He quickly went to the door, letting Seth inside. He was soaked from the shower outside.

"Oh my god, I can't believe this," Seth griped, wiping the droplets from his face. "I am not equipped to deal with this kind of weather."

Ryan sat back down on the bed, staring at the floor. He didn't know what Seth had came her for, but he was sure that this conversation would not be a pleasant one. Seth sat down in a chair across from him. There was a silence that was all but impenetrable.

Seth looked for anything, a distraction. He didn't want to have this conversation, but he knew deep down that he had to. He couldn't stand by and watch Kirsten grieve her life away. He loved her too much for that.

"So, I talked to my mom earlier," Seth said, catching Ryan's undivided attention.

"Seth, I'm sorry about all of this–"

"Please, just let me say what I came here to say before I change my mind," Seth interrupted. "She's completely destroyed, Ryan. I don't think she was this upset after my dad died. I just thought you should know."

Ryan's eyes stung at the thought of Kirsten being so unhappy. "I just thought I was doing everyone a favor by leaving. Everyone was unhappy because of me, and I thought maybe things would be better if I wasn't around," he said mirroring the words he had written to Kirsten just hours before.

Seth shifted in his seat, uncomfortable by this entire conversation. "Look, I know I've not exactly been the easiest person to be around this past year, but I don't want her to be unhappy anymore. And if her being happy means being with you, then I'll just have to find a way to deal with it."

Ryan sat perfectly still, not understanding or believing anything Seth was saying. Last night, Seth was ready to kill him. And now, he was practically giving his blessing, in his own Seth kind of way. Ryan swallowed hard, unable to put together any words.

"We've all been through hell, Ryan. Everything's changed so much, I guess I just freaked out because I was scared. Of a lot of stuff, mostly because I know that it's time to grow up and be an adult. And that means accepting things even if they're hard to handle. When you moved here, you let me know what it was like to actually have a friend. But my mom needs you now. I just wanted to come here and tell you that. And to tell you that, while I'm not going to say that I'm 'cool' with it so to speak, I swear I won't freak out on you again."

Ryan remained silent, not knowing how to respond. Seth got up from his chair and walked to the door. "I'm probably going to stay at Summer's for a while. Her dad's always out of town, and she doesn't like to stay by herself. Besides, it would be good for me to get some distance on all of this. Give myself some time to deal with it, you know?"

Seth turned to leave when Ryan finally spoke, "Seth," he paused. "I didn't mean for things to happen like this. I'm sorry if I let you down."

Seth put up a hand to stop him. "Really, it's okay. I get it, even though it still seems weird. I get it. I just need some time."

Ryan nodded and watched Seth leave, into the torrent outside. He fell back onto the bed, still in shock from their conversation. His stomach heaved from the culmination of emotions he had just experienced. He got up and walked across the room to the window, pulling back the drapes. He watched as the drops of rain formed little crooked streams down the pane. He knew exactly where he wanted to be, but he was terrified to go. He hadn't spoken to her since the night they fought, and he assumed that she was still angry at him for leaving. But then he remembered Seth's words a minute ago. _I don't think she was this upset after my dad died. _If she was upset, then maybe that meant she wanted him to come back. But how could he be sure? He didn't want to go, only to be rejected once again. He knew that he would not survive that. It had to be all or nothing with them now; there would never be an in-between anymore.

He couldn't erase Kirsten from his thoughts. He could hear her laugh, and even when he couldn't look at her, he could paint her picture perfectly in his mind. She was all around him. The many facets of her personality had left their impression on his heart. Playful, loving, sexy, serious–there was no end to the complexities. But there was also something so simple about Kirsten at the same time. When he was with her, there was a quiet understanding between them. No words needed to be shared; their eyes told the whole story. No one had ever been able to speak to him that way before.

Ryan stared out into the rain-soaked night. He remembered the way her body felt next to his, warm and comforting. He longed to put his arms around her, the way he used to before everything got so out of control.

Even though he was scared of what she might say, or not say, he knew that he had to find out once and for all where he stood with her. He had never had anyone so important in his life, and he needed some clarity on what their future held.

He fought the fear, and went to the phone. He dialed the front desk with almost trembling hands.

"I need to get a cab...Newport...as soon as possible," he answered quickly. This was his moment of truth. He tried to figure out what exactly he would say to her, but he knew it was pointless. Just seeing her would render him speechless, he knew.


	10. Chapter 10

**Thanks for sticking with me through this one, and thanks for Caroline's insight...without it this train would have derailed!! Hope to be writing again soon:) **

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Part 10

Ryan leaned against the cool glass of the cab's window, his heart hammering in his throat. He had no idea what he was going to say, and he was nervous about facing her after leaving the way he did. His thoughts were catapulting around his mind, as erratic as the storm that was pounding down around him. The rain was coming down in sheets and every now and then, the sky would light up with a flash, followed by the crash of thunder. It was fierce, but beautiful.

The twenty minute drive was the longest he had ever endured. He didn't know how this night was going to turn out, but it would be such a relief to finally know. If she turned him away, at least he would have the absolution he had been bracing for. But if she welcomed him...

Mercifully, the cab turned into the private drive that led to his home. He stopped at the end of the driveway. "This is good enough," Ryan said, practically throwing his money at the driver. He climbed out into the torrent, wishing he had brought a sweatshirt to protect him. The driveway was steep and slippery, but he managed to make his way to the top. The house was dark, except for the dim light escaping only one window. Her window. He wondered if she had fallen asleep with it on, or if she might be awake, staring out at him unknowingly. His stomach was a series of knots, and he hurried under the stoop before he was completely drenched. He turned the knob, only to find that the door was unlocked. He secretly chastised her for being so careless. He turned it slowly, not making a sound, and stepped into the house. It was quiet and still, but he could see the faint light coming from her room. He slipped off his shoes, not wanting to mar the floor. His treads made no sound as he slipped like a whisper through the kitchen. He reached the door of her bedroom, only to find her bed was empty. He frowned and searched the room, and saw the light was coming from the adjoining bathroom. He stood in the doorway, unsure of what to do now. He didn't want to barge in there and terrify her, but he didn't want to just stand and lurk like some stalker. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and decided to wait until she came out.

He didn't have to wait for long, and then he saw her. She was wearing a silk robe, toweling her hair from the shower she had just taken. He stood perfectly still, not knowing what Kirsten's reaction would be. He watched as she went to turn on the bedside lamp, illuminating the room even more. Ryan could do nothing but stare.

Kirsten tried to remember if she had locked the front door and she decided to check. She jumped and almost screamed when she saw Ryan standing in the doorway. Her hand went to her chest to calm her pumping heart. "Ryan," she simply said, blinking repeatedly as if to convince herself that she wasn't dreaming.

Ryan swallowed hard, his gaze still burning. He was trying to read her, to figure out what she wanted from him, if anything. "I'm sorry I scared you," he said, barely hearing his own words over the beating of his heart. "The door was open."

Kirsten could only stare, chest heaving with the breath of uncertainty. She waited for him to say something, anything. But she knew he was waiting for the same thing. Her heart raced at the sight of him, covered in rain, his tee shirt soaked completely through, dripping everywhere. But she didn't care. He was so beautiful; she wanted to run to him, but instead her feet were cemented. He was so fragile, it seemed. She had hurt him so badly, and wanted to choose her words carefully.

"I was just going to check it," she replied, letting her gaze travel over him. She unconsciously took a step forward. Her body was on fire.

Ryan couldn't respond; he could only stare. His breathing increased until it felt as though he was going to hyperventilate. He was fighting the urge to run to her with every ounce of his strength. He took a step toward her without even realizing he had moved.

Kirsten watched him intently, excited by his advance. She wanted him to kiss her so badly. Her body was screaming for him, and she basked in his fiery gaze. She was warm from the inside out, so grateful that he had come back to her. But there was still so much uncertainty hanging in the air. His eyes revealed no clues, only pain. Her brow creased with an overwhelming need to ease that pain, so she took another step forward. Ryan mirrored her. Soon, they were moving quickly to one another, and Kirsten figured it would forever remain a mystery who reached for who first.

In an instant, she was in his arms. Their bodies collided with a primal force, and Kirsten felt his lips pressed hard to her own. She could feel the cold dampness of his clothes through the silk of her robe. All of the frustration and hurt they had battled found its way out in this kiss. They both fought for control, and Kirsten gasped when Ryan pressed her firmly to the wall, pinning her. She reached out her hands to push him back, but he caught her wrists and forced them against the wall on either side of her head. Her eyes were wide with excitement, and she felt that her body might explode. She looked up at him as he hovered, both breathing hard and erratically. She blinked as drops of water fell from his drenched hair fell onto her face, trickling down her neck to disappear inside her robe. She waited for his next move, and she whimpered when he leaned down to claim her lips yet again. He tried to force them apart with his tongue, but stopped short when she bit his lip. He grunted and pulled back, watching as a grin danced across her mouth.

She grabbed the hem of his soaked shirt and peeled it off, tossing it to the floor. She ran her hands over his bare chest, placing kisses on his neck, and he let her have her fun. But not for long. He pushed her back and reached out, and in one swift movement, untied the sash of the robe she was wearing, jerking it from her shoulders. She stood completely naked in front of him, and he couldn't stop the grin that curved his lips.

He leaned into her, pinning her against the wall once again, but he pulled back and watched as the look in her eyes changed from wild and excited to something a little softer. She ran her hands along his bare arms, her touch a little bit lighter than before, as if to assure herself that he was real. Her body seemed to be telling him just how much she had missed his touch. He savored the feel of her fingertips on his skin, and he wrapped his arms around her, gliding his hands gently up her back. He leaned down and kissed her mouth, soft brushes of his lips against hers, followed by a little deeper exploration with his tongue. He smiled against her when he felt her tongue slide against his own. He moved his lips to explore her neck and shoulders, as if he had never kissed her before. He used his hands to caress her breasts and stomach, and he let his lips follow along every curve. She murmured something soft and sweet, sounds so light he could barely hear them.

Kirsten rested her head against the wall behind her, enjoying every minute of his delicious exploration. His touch had went from fierce and erotic to something a little more delicate. She shivered slightly as his hands ran down her sides, over her hips, and back up the inside of her thighs. She stopped breathing, not sure of where his journey would end. She closed her eyes as his hand worked its way upwards, and gasped when he found his destination. He caressed her inside and out, and she felt that her legs would not be strong enough for long.

He smiled when he felt how ready she was for him, and decided to be merciful. He picked her up and kissed her slowly, her back still against the wall, wrapping her legs around him. She moaned into his mouth, and their silent conversation continued. Nothing needed to be said, each knew what the other was thinking. Instead of words, they used kisses, caresses. Ryan carried her to the bed and gently laid her down. He removed the rest of his clothing, and moved over her. She lay beneath him, in awe of how beautiful he was. She thought about how miserable she had been when he was gone, and how she never wanted to feel that way again.

Ryan kissed her softly, taking in the sight of her. He remembered how his heart had ached so badly when he was away from her. He knew that he could never be truly happy unless he was in her arms. But the greatest thing was, he didn't have to tell her that, because she already knew. He looked into her eyes and saw the understanding that he had craved for so long. His body was on fire for her, and he lowered his body to hers, and smiled when his permission was granted. He was inside her, in every way he could be. She cried out at the feeling, so unbelievably grateful for this moment. Even in her pleasure she thought of how close she came to losing him. She listened as his body spoke to her, assuring her that he would never leave her again. She wrapped her legs around him, tightening them, closing the space that separated them. Their movements were slow, each knowing what the other needed. There was no need to rush; this conversation without words was long overdue.

He became completely lost in her. In her soul, and her body. He wanted to please this woman, the one that he loved. He smiled as he listened to her moans and her cries, knowing that it wouldn't be long. He wanted this to last as long as it could; this time was unlike the other times they had spent together. The pain and uncertainty of the last few weeks had to find a release. And it did exactly that, except in the form of pleasure.

Kirsten watched as his body moved slowly against hers, and she felt like her entire body would combust. He felt so good inside her, and above her. No one had ever made love to her the way that Ryan did. His passion was tender and fierce at the same time.

His thrusts became a little harder, a little deeper. She was perilously close to falling over the edge, and she let him know that by saying his name softly. He was so close too, she could tell. She smiled when she saw his eyes close, and heard her name trail softly from his lips also. Neither could take it anymore, and Kirsten cried out, grabbing fistfuls of the sheets that lay beneath them. She heard him groan and move harder against her. Her body was overcome with a wave of pleasure that she wasn't quite sure she would survive. Her cries became louder and more desperate when she felt him pulse within her. Their release was beautiful, a combination of their love for each other and of the intensity of emotions they had both been feeling.

In a few moments, the storm began to quiet and Ryan remained on top of her, unable to let her go. Their breathing returned to normal, and Ryan forced himself to slide off of her, moving beside her on the bed. He admired how absolutely beautiful she was. Cheeks flushed, eyelids lowered, skin glistening with sweat. He put his arms around her and pulled her close. He breathed in the scent of her, something completely unique to her and beyond any words he could manage. They were still and quiet, no words needed. They had just said everything that they hadn't previously been able to.

They lay together, listening to the rain still pounding down outside. Ryan stroked her hair, placing a kiss on her temple. "Ryan," she said, breaking the vast silence.

"Hmm?"

She looked up at him and met his gaze. "I love you."

He felt his heart jump, just to hear her say something that he already knew. "I love you, too, Kirsten. I always have."

She snuggled closer to him, kissing his cheek. She closed her eyes and listened to the beat of his heart, mixed with the sounds of the rain on the roof above them. She knew that there would be time for conversation later; right now they were happy to simply exist. She thought about the two of them and the journey that they had experienced over the past few years. Their relationship had grown from quiet admiration into the most satisfying love she had ever known.

Ryan breathed out, thinking about how completely perfect this felt. Lying here with the one he loved more than life, knowing that she loved him too. But they both understood that it wouldn't be easy. People were always going to talk; it was something they had to accept and move on from. Neither of them had asked for this gift, but Ryan and Kirsten now understood that sometimes you don't get to chose the one you love. But then again, sometimes you do.


End file.
